Rites of Passage #3
Ownership
This is part of my series on Rites of Passage for men. I have highlighted 6 passages in life that can have a transformative impact for men.
These are my observations and experiences, not sacraments. All are optional yet I believe all give us the opportunity for change.
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Much of the narrative pushed to men is on the premise of freedom. Stay single, be financially free, don’t get a mortgage, don’t buy a house. Rent a ferrari, get an expensive watch and six pack instead. Be a lone wolf.
I don’t think I owned anything meaningful until I was in my late twenties. Rented flats that came with cutlery, cheap black t-shirts to spill beer down and an iphone I traded in every couple of years.
It wasn’t until I was about 27/28 when I first bought a plant. I’m not joking, this was the first thing I believe I actually owned.
As you can tell, when I talk about ownership I mean more than the practical exhange of owning something. I owned a phone, laptop and a couple of suitcases full of possessions. Truthfully though, for the first 25 years of my life if I lost everything I owned in a fire - it really wouldn’t have been a big deal for me.
What I’m saying is, I didn’t truly own anything I cared about, or cared for. This freedom was liberating for a time and I don’t regret it. Yet there came a moment that ownership would mean responsibilty and taking on responsibility is an important step for emotional development and maturity.
I believe ownership is a really important passage for men.
Owning something, caring for it and taking responsibility of it. You develop a connection to something, but deeper you develop a connection to that part of yourself that does want to care for, provide and have some responsibility for another.
It could be as small as a plant. It’s a start. This plant has been with me for nearly 10 years. I recall me and Sarah buying it. I’ve watered it, sprayed it, chopped off it’s leaves. A new pot too I think. It was one of the first things I ever bought that had some level of permanence to it. That mattered to me, and still does. I could have stayed stuck in freedom, but I was free to go everywhere and nowhere. Ownership helps you pick a course and stick to it. Ownership gives you purpose and moves you forward.
Then, there’s of course a dog. I don’t have a dog, but how many people do you know who got a dog and it made their life better? Loads. Taking on a dependent who is totally reliant on you can be transformrative.
I really felt the transformative power of ownership when I bought a house. I really didn’t know I needed to cross this threshold in my life, but I did. Having the keys and owning my own home mattered to me on many levels.
Taking on the responsibility of a mortgage is a commitment and I enjoy this commitment. I actually like that I have taken on the risk of having to pay something back. Without this, I wouldn’t be anchored or grounded.
Actually owning a property brought out a pride in me. When I rented flats I never really felt the desire to deep clean the bathroom to be honest. Yet when it was my floor, my skirting boards and my toilet - I felt more compelled to.
Ownership is a version of self-care. I walked into my shed the other day that I tidied last year (but it does need some work) and I thought “you could tell a lot about someone by the state of their shed”. You can tell a lot about someone by the state of their home. Look after your environment and you look after yourself.
As an example to all of this. I love sweeping up outside. We paid £6,000 for that new patio, I won’t see some leaves decay on it and make it green. Or if they do, I’ll get it jetwashed (which I need to after all this rain!). I have never ever swept up outside and not felt better for it. Every single time I look after my house, I feel that in some way I have looked after myself.
Not everyone can or wants to buy a house. But it doesn’t mean you can’t own and care for something. It could be a plant, a car, a dog.
Ownership matters, because responsibility matters.
Can you be a man without responsibilty? Can you be an adult without responsibility? I’m not sure.
A big part of a growth journey as a man is understanding consequences, taking leadership of your own life. If you don’t water a plant, it dies. If you don’t clean the bathroom it looks rank. If you don’t take your dog for a walk they bark too much.
Ownership really matters and I believe taking yourself on a journey to owning something is a genuine rite of passage for men.
House-buying is the biggest and most socially accepted norm and route. Whilst lots of self-development or financial freedom podcasts will tell you not to bother owning your own home, I think they miss the point. Yes you might make more money in the S&P 500 but I believe owning and caring for your own home matters on some fundamentally primitive level. Picking your own wallpaper, keeping your own space clean, tidy and dignified has huge emotional and psychological benefits to your growth as a man.
I don’t care what you own. I don’t care if you own a Ferrari, or a Rolex, or how many bedrooms your house has. I care about men taking ownership for something in their life. Whatever that is.
Ownership is another rite of passage for men.
Let me know what you think in the comments below. Has ownership been a rite of passage for you?
Cheers,
James