Stag dos.
Those two words will either fill you with a sense of unbridled excitement, thinking of the potential of a weekend (or longer) of beer, banter and debauchery, or it’ll fill you with a sense of deep dread and terror. Maybe it’s a bit of both.
Most men reading this will have experienced a stag do in some form. Most women reading this will know men that have been on one, and will hold their own perceptions on what a “stag do” entails.
Indeed the very phrase itself has become synonymous with getting absolutely leathered and coming home with a bunch of stories so scandalous that they simply must follow the first rule of Fight Club. Which is, of course, to never talk about it.
The trouble we’ve found with stag dos is that this perception is often the reality, and it’s become the unwritten rule/definition of what the stag do must entail. Much like masculinity is often defined as strength, independence and physical prowess, with anything less being seen as “anti-masculine”, stag dos are expected to be messy and chaotic.
The common expectation is that the Stag will wear a ridiculous outfit. They will drink so much that they pass out and they will do that again, and again and again. If anything sums up how confused men are about how to connect - it’s a stag do. Rather than a positive, reinforcing rite of passage for a man as he enters his next phase of manhood - he is humiliated. Or worse, the stag and his friends have their “last chance” to fill their boots with all manner of vices. Possibly one of the only glimmers of light in the current stag do set up is how the best man steps up to organise the event and usually makes it their job to look after the stag and make sure he doesn't literally die.
We can’t overwhelmingly say that the current culture around stag do’s is broken. Yet we can agree it’s narrow, just like masculinity. For many men, the way we bond for this important event in someone’s life is not working, or at the very least it could be a lot better.
For the men who feel misaligned with that very rigid version of masculinity, it’s often not a surprise for them to feel a bit out of place on these stag dos. Many find excuses to not go. Others go and play the game, psyching themselves up for a few days of downing beers as quickly as possible so they don’t get called a “pussy”. Others, although they are a brave few, will break from the pack; committing to doing their own thing and drinking at their own pace. But they know they’ll cop a fair bit of banter for it.
None of this is to shame anyone for what they want to do on a stag do. It’s each to their own and everyone will have their own expectations. The trouble we find is it feels like there’s only one way to do a stag do, and anything other than that is labelled as a bit of a joke.
And, in the vast majority of cases, it’s unlikely that most male groups are having deep conversations around any anxieties they have for the trip, how they want to take it a bit slower, how they’re struggling and the trip is just going to make their mental health worse.
The truth is, there is A LOT going on under the surface for men going on a stag do. We’ve had a look at some of the things that aren’t spoken about enough, but are present in some form on probably every single stag do that has ever happened, and will continue to happen.
Money
Money is a big one. It’s a big one beyond just stag dos. Masculinity has become synonymous with success and earning loads. Earning less than your mates can sometimes make you feel like you aren’t man enough, and so sometimes it can seem like a blank cheque gets written for stag dos.
You simply have to agree to spend whatever amount is asked of you, even if you can’t really afford it right now. And many stags can have a tendency of getting out of hand in that regard. While some will do a day-trip to Brighton, others will book a 5-day holiday to Ibiza, with their €70-a-night superclub tickets. Don’t forget the €20 you’ll need to cough up every time you want something as basic as drinking water. They’ll be charging for oxygen before long.
But what if you don’t have that much money right now? Maybe you’re in between jobs. Maybe you’ve just moved house. Trying to support a family. Saving for that thing you’ve always wanted. It can be a hard conversation to have when the expectation is you’ll have to spend money, and often spend big. Bills will be split and even if you didn’t want a shot, you’ve paid for one. Even if you didn’t have the steak and five beers - you’ll be paying for it.
It’s so easy to be pulled in, to feel like you have to keep up and keep spending to fit in.
The hangover / comedown
Where stag dos go, alcohol and drugs are usually following not far behind. And look, again, we’re not here writing with any shame or judgement. Many lads bond and connect over these things, it’s a way they can let loose and have fun.
But for many men who might be in a difficult place, going through some stuff or struggling with their identity, they know that whatever they consume on a night out is simply them making a deal with the devil, trading in the next day’s feeling of happiness.
There’s not much chance to escape on a stag. You’re around a group of lads the whole time, maybe even sharing rooms, and there’s little chance for you to take time out and breathe. Indeed, there’s often little time to take any kind of break, with the expectation being that you’d better be washing down your morning cornflakes with a cerveza (if you’re in Spain, of course). Scratch that, who needs breakfast when you could just have two beers instead?
Many men also know that one day’s indulgences are simply going to build on the next, creating a little pile of darkness that is sure to haunt them on the flight home. That flight will be one of the most isolating experiences they’ll ever feel, perhaps only coupled by the feeling they’ll have the next day, waking up to the almighty hangover which is now coming home to roost while they sit alone in their bedroom wondering if that huge hole in their bank balance was worth it.
Expectation and competition
We’ve already talked about the expectation of stags, but it’s worth repeating again. There is often a lot of expectation on these trips, but it can sometimes venture into the silly simply for the sake of it. One of the guys will order two beers with his breakfast. Not because it’s his usual morning routine, but because he’s on a stag, innit? And a stag is about doing increasingly lad-like things, in front of the rest of the group, to score man-points. But now, of course, a bar has been set. Any of the guys who don’t also match this feat will get labelled some sort of variation of a homophobic or effeminate slur.
Again, we’re really not judging. George got back from a stag in June and he and his group went for a full English breakfast at 10am and got stuck there for 4 hours making their way through beer after beer. But that was because someone would say “one more?” and then that’s it. The expectation is hanging over the table. Brave is the man who can say “I think we should take it a bit easier lads”.
Most men, in any situation whether it’s a stag do or not, find it hard to stand up and swim against the tide. So much of masculinity gets equated with perception, status and an ability to do whatever is required of them. Saying “I don’t fancy this” feels akin to showing a weakness, and inability to do something. And most men don’t want to take that beating to their pride.
And then, of course, competition comes into it. Many men are more predisposed to competing with each other. There’s biological reasons for this and so competition isn’t necessarily a bad thing. But we all know it can go too far. We’ve got mates that have full blown arguments if they lose a round of table tennis to each other. Thankfully none of them throw punches, but we all know a friendship group that does. We’re all up for a bit of friendly competition, but we probably all know that sometimes it can go too far with blokes. And stag dos are a breeding ground for that.
The stag has to get torn apart
Talking of expectations, it’s assumed that the stag is going to get absolutely ripped apart. Humiliated. Comically abused in ways he couldn't have even had nightmares about. We’ve heard it all. Lads hiring random people to be handcuffed to the stag for hours. Bit problematic when you need to use the loo. Naked stripdances in front of the group while everyone jeers and gets the best filming angle. Even more awkward when the stag’s dad is present. Downing enough alcohol in one go to make the stag sick. Anything less than vomit is a pure failure.
We’ve been on stags where the stag himself “got off lightly” as some would describe it. But got off lightly from what? It shows how stags are perceived - they aren’t holidays where the goal is fun. They’re trips where the goal is to absolutely destroy the stag. It just happens to be away from home.
What if you’re the one organising the trip and you know you wouldn’t want that, and you know the stag wouldn’t either? Do you break the mold and give the lads a good trip, or do you just fall in line and think of some dastardly way to embarrass your best mate? We know of stags that have been planned around walking holidays, with activities that have included sauna trips and some meditation. You can bet these things will get mugged off by anyone else that hears about them. But we do have to wonder how many of those that mug off a trip like this are secretly crying out for one, but are too scared to ask for it.
A chance for fun or a chance to escape?
We know the above can read like one long criticism of stags, but it really isn’t. We’ve had a lot of fun on them. But we do wonder how much has been about having fun, and how much has been about escaping. Escaping work, our lives back home, the thoughts in our own head.
The more leathered we get, the easier it feels to run away from whatever it is we’re hiding from. Of course this isn’t always the case. Sometimes having a beer is just about having a beer, not everything needs to be psychoanalysed. But, and this is a big but, in so many cases it’s not just about having a beer. It represents a need for men to find some confidence, to fit in, to push down whatever feelings they don’t want to confront.
Stag dos often represent the ultimate escape for so many men. Friends who might not see each other as much now that they’ve got a baby and a massive mortgage. These trips become annual for a few years, and so it’s their chance to catchup, connect and get hammered like the good old days.
Except the hangovers feel worse these days. The to-do list back home feels neverending. Why can’t it feel like uni again, when our responsibilities felt so small? We’ll fistbump our mates at the airport, knowing we might not see some of them again until the next stag do.
We have to wonder, how much beneath all the bravado of stags is actually about a group of men wanting a way to connect and have a good time with their mates, but it gets lost in the noise around strip clubs and beer runs?
Stags are incredible and feel like a rite of passage for so many men. But they also often cover up and paper over many, many cracks that men are feeling, cracks that they don’t feel they can voice.
This isn’t about changing stags. It’s about giving enough men the confidence to ask for the stag they want, even if that means an alcohol-free ramble around the South Downs (gasp!). And, giving men enough confidence to find ways to truly connect with their mates on a deep enough level, and not just waiting for one of them to pop the question so they can all go on a booze up.
What’s been your experience of stags? Love ‘em? Hate ‘em? What’s been the craziest stories you’ve heard from stags, or maybe seen yourself? Let us know in the replies or comments!
Guide to guilt-free and health-conscious stags:
Get good at saying no. Saying no takes practice. Once you say no once, receive some “banter” - it’ll be easier to say no again and again. Until the group accepts that you’re not drinking any more.
Feel comfortable leaving early. “Night lads!” Leaving when you want really is that simple. You just say goodbye, someone will usually always follow you after a kebab and an early night. Don’t just hit the trap door and not tell anyone, that doesn’t count!
Still do what you want to do. If you’re all meeting in the bar at 12, you can still get up and go for a walk or a run, or coffee at 9. You can even put in the WhatsApp group and ask who else fancies it. You’ll end up connecting with the like-minded guys in the group. Trust us, there will be more people wishing they could do this than you think.
Change the script. If you’re part of organising one. Mix it up. Think about activities that are fun and actually bring you together. Do something that allows people to connect that isn’t just booze based. Take the lead and take ownership. If you don’t think stags are working, then when you organise one, or have one, do something different.
P.S - a huge thanks to our new paid subscribers - Geoff, Darren and Curtis. We really appreciate you guys supporting us - it gives us the boost to keep doing more of this!
Thoughtful article on a very provocative subject, thanks gents.
I experienced two vastly different stags in the space of a couple of years:
- The first with a group of late 20s / early 30s.
- The second with a group of late 30s / early 40s.
With the first group (and I include myself in this), in hindsight it felt like we were trying to emulate what a stag “should” be. The humiliation, the rituals, the one-upmanship, the debauchery.
With the second group, it felt like we were genuinely connecting and enjoying our time together - even though the location and the theme was the same. All I can remember is laughing constantly.
I enjoyed both, but the second one really made me evaluate some of my friendships. It was great to spend time with men who were assured in how they chose to spend their time, and who they wanted to spend their time with.
Learning to say no is good advice. Yet, I'm going to disagree James that "hitting the trap door doesn't count". You've described the worse of toxic masculinity, and my suggestion is that if you find yourself in an environment where leaving and communicating it will leave you open to abuse from your "mates", I say don't feel the need to be a hero and confront it. I'm completely comfortable leaving places I don't want to be. I'm not sure why it wouldn't count if I choose not communicate it to a group of people who are off their heads and whose behaviour is out of line with what I'm enjoying right now?