Thoughtful article on a very provocative subject, thanks gents.
I experienced two vastly different stags in the space of a couple of years:
- The first with a group of late 20s / early 30s.
- The second with a group of late 30s / early 40s.
With the first group (and I include myself in this), in hindsight it felt like we were trying to emulate what a stag “should” be. The humiliation, the rituals, the one-upmanship, the debauchery.
With the second group, it felt like we were genuinely connecting and enjoying our time together - even though the location and the theme was the same. All I can remember is laughing constantly.
I enjoyed both, but the second one really made me evaluate some of my friendships. It was great to spend time with men who were assured in how they chose to spend their time, and who they wanted to spend their time with.
Definitely experienced both too. It's only when I was a best man myself and organised a stag did I realise we could do all this how we wanted! Until then, I think me, and others were just operating on what we thought we "should do".
Thanks Toby, appreciate this. And having been on a stag recently, we merged a bit of the two together - had a few sessions of getting leathered, but also did some more wholesome stuff too. Felt like a better balance, although definitely still parts which played into the elements of "typical stag stuff" just for the sake of it...
Learning to say no is good advice. Yet, I'm going to disagree James that "hitting the trap door doesn't count". You've described the worse of toxic masculinity, and my suggestion is that if you find yourself in an environment where leaving and communicating it will leave you open to abuse from your "mates", I say don't feel the need to be a hero and confront it. I'm completely comfortable leaving places I don't want to be. I'm not sure why it wouldn't count if I choose not communicate it to a group of people who are off their heads and whose behaviour is out of line with what I'm enjoying right now?
Totally fair point Gavin, I'm speaking for me personally where I've always wanted to grow in confidence and confront mates/people and be comfortable with the fact that I am leaving early. When I did hit the trap door and "do a houdini" I felt like I was avoiding the interaction. Appreciate this won't be the case for everyone. Thanks for the thoughtful comment.
I’ve been there and done the stag in every sadistic, hedonistic and puerile way possible. I was part of a rugby playing, beer swilling, ultra competitive, one upmanship type crew for many years. For the most part I enjoyed every minute and was probably more of an instigator than a victim in most of these stags (excluding my own when I was very much the victim).
Fast forward to 2025 and I’ve been enjoying sober life for the last two years and been hitting the gym regularly for the last 7 years. Due to my age, stag dos haven’t really been a recent feature, although some are getting married for a 2nd time now (😂 ) but the stag pressure is far less than it was, probably an age thing.
It hasn’t happened yet but I have wondered what I would do if I was invited to a Benidorm style beer fest tomorrow. I think I probably would go, but I would absolutely feel empowered to check out of the sesh when it started getting too messy, and enjoy the beach or the pool whilst everyone else was ‘on it’. One thing about being older is that you care less about what people think about you, and are less susceptible to mockery.
Love this so much Martin, and I think you're bang on about the age side of things - everything feels so much more pressurised and performative when we're younger. As I've got older I've definitely found I care less about what others think AND I feel more confident to say "nah thanks". The odd bit of banter is still there, but it doesn't feel as savage as it used to be. Appreciate your balanced insight. And funny you should mention Benidorm - I'm off to a stag there next March 😂 No doubt it won't be a quiet one, it's also with primarily a bunch of people I don't know, so that will be a challenge for me towing the line between setting boundaries but wanting to fit in! I'll report back in April no doubt with a synopsis, on this blog 😂 Have a great day, G
I have been fortunate enough to have been on a few stag dos, many of them a "typical" stag where the key measure of success is how "fucked" people were.
Last year, 11 of us flew to Vegas for a stag do for one of my closest friends. Huge build up, an ever escalating group chat. Big plans: go to the firing range, drive ATVs, and see the Grand Canyon. Ended up doing none of the above and just "got on it".
A few weeks later, another lads trip to Mont Blanc. Arguably the best "lads holiday" I have ever done and all but one day was completely sober. A wholesome trip full of laughs, banter, fun; but also connection, depth, and love.
The contrast between the two was stark. After Vegas, I felt weak, tired, and hazy. After Mont Blanc, I felt energised, happy, and calm.
The call to action really resonates. For me, it's about courage. Telling the truth about how things make me feel and acting in alignment. That's not being a party pooper, it's just knowing when enough is enough.
This is wicked, thanks for sharing Luke - good to hear your experience. I went out with some of our group on Sunday and for the first time ever I only had 0% beer (I know I'm a bit late to the party on this one). Felt good being able to wake up on Monday not feeling like shit but still having had a good time. I'm just finding increasingly that the big nights aren't worth the days after, and stags normally come for payback for at least a week after! You're bang on about the courage piece too
You know how I feel about this! I honestly think the more you step into it, it's less about being a party pooper and more about becoming a leader... usually there are others that want the same as you. Some relationships change, and others deepen.
Thoughtful article on a very provocative subject, thanks gents.
I experienced two vastly different stags in the space of a couple of years:
- The first with a group of late 20s / early 30s.
- The second with a group of late 30s / early 40s.
With the first group (and I include myself in this), in hindsight it felt like we were trying to emulate what a stag “should” be. The humiliation, the rituals, the one-upmanship, the debauchery.
With the second group, it felt like we were genuinely connecting and enjoying our time together - even though the location and the theme was the same. All I can remember is laughing constantly.
I enjoyed both, but the second one really made me evaluate some of my friendships. It was great to spend time with men who were assured in how they chose to spend their time, and who they wanted to spend their time with.
Definitely experienced both too. It's only when I was a best man myself and organised a stag did I realise we could do all this how we wanted! Until then, I think me, and others were just operating on what we thought we "should do".
Thanks Toby, appreciate this. And having been on a stag recently, we merged a bit of the two together - had a few sessions of getting leathered, but also did some more wholesome stuff too. Felt like a better balance, although definitely still parts which played into the elements of "typical stag stuff" just for the sake of it...
Learning to say no is good advice. Yet, I'm going to disagree James that "hitting the trap door doesn't count". You've described the worse of toxic masculinity, and my suggestion is that if you find yourself in an environment where leaving and communicating it will leave you open to abuse from your "mates", I say don't feel the need to be a hero and confront it. I'm completely comfortable leaving places I don't want to be. I'm not sure why it wouldn't count if I choose not communicate it to a group of people who are off their heads and whose behaviour is out of line with what I'm enjoying right now?
Totally fair point Gavin, I'm speaking for me personally where I've always wanted to grow in confidence and confront mates/people and be comfortable with the fact that I am leaving early. When I did hit the trap door and "do a houdini" I felt like I was avoiding the interaction. Appreciate this won't be the case for everyone. Thanks for the thoughtful comment.
Great article lads!
I’ve been there and done the stag in every sadistic, hedonistic and puerile way possible. I was part of a rugby playing, beer swilling, ultra competitive, one upmanship type crew for many years. For the most part I enjoyed every minute and was probably more of an instigator than a victim in most of these stags (excluding my own when I was very much the victim).
Fast forward to 2025 and I’ve been enjoying sober life for the last two years and been hitting the gym regularly for the last 7 years. Due to my age, stag dos haven’t really been a recent feature, although some are getting married for a 2nd time now (😂 ) but the stag pressure is far less than it was, probably an age thing.
It hasn’t happened yet but I have wondered what I would do if I was invited to a Benidorm style beer fest tomorrow. I think I probably would go, but I would absolutely feel empowered to check out of the sesh when it started getting too messy, and enjoy the beach or the pool whilst everyone else was ‘on it’. One thing about being older is that you care less about what people think about you, and are less susceptible to mockery.
Love this so much Martin, and I think you're bang on about the age side of things - everything feels so much more pressurised and performative when we're younger. As I've got older I've definitely found I care less about what others think AND I feel more confident to say "nah thanks". The odd bit of banter is still there, but it doesn't feel as savage as it used to be. Appreciate your balanced insight. And funny you should mention Benidorm - I'm off to a stag there next March 😂 No doubt it won't be a quiet one, it's also with primarily a bunch of people I don't know, so that will be a challenge for me towing the line between setting boundaries but wanting to fit in! I'll report back in April no doubt with a synopsis, on this blog 😂 Have a great day, G
Sending thoughts and prayers for your upcoming Benidorm stag-a-thon.
This really resonates. Thank you guys.
I have been fortunate enough to have been on a few stag dos, many of them a "typical" stag where the key measure of success is how "fucked" people were.
Last year, 11 of us flew to Vegas for a stag do for one of my closest friends. Huge build up, an ever escalating group chat. Big plans: go to the firing range, drive ATVs, and see the Grand Canyon. Ended up doing none of the above and just "got on it".
A few weeks later, another lads trip to Mont Blanc. Arguably the best "lads holiday" I have ever done and all but one day was completely sober. A wholesome trip full of laughs, banter, fun; but also connection, depth, and love.
The contrast between the two was stark. After Vegas, I felt weak, tired, and hazy. After Mont Blanc, I felt energised, happy, and calm.
The call to action really resonates. For me, it's about courage. Telling the truth about how things make me feel and acting in alignment. That's not being a party pooper, it's just knowing when enough is enough.
This is wicked, thanks for sharing Luke - good to hear your experience. I went out with some of our group on Sunday and for the first time ever I only had 0% beer (I know I'm a bit late to the party on this one). Felt good being able to wake up on Monday not feeling like shit but still having had a good time. I'm just finding increasingly that the big nights aren't worth the days after, and stags normally come for payback for at least a week after! You're bang on about the courage piece too
You know how I feel about this! I honestly think the more you step into it, it's less about being a party pooper and more about becoming a leader... usually there are others that want the same as you. Some relationships change, and others deepen.