Turning 30

35, but feeling 25.

If you’ve been following my writing on rites of passage for men. I’ve missed one.

Turning 30 is a rite of passage,

but it’s one that many of us miss.

I turned 30 during COVID and it passed me by without much fanfare. I got together with a few mates, and Sarah made a fuss. But, nothing to see here, no big deal. 30!? Who cares! I still feel 25.

At the ripened age of 34 with a house, marriage and a baby I look back and see this time a little differently now. I look back at this 30 year old version of me and I see the beginnings of transition and confusion. One I wish now I had more guidance in.

I was changing, I was saying goodbye to my twenties and I was becoming ready for more purpose and responsibility. I just didn’t know it.

Looking back, I realise now. I needed something. I needed some space, some moment to take it all in. To really acknowledge how far I’d come. I needed to say goodbye to the years in Ibiza, the nights out drinking with my mates, the one-night stands, insecurity and self-doubt. They’re gone. They’re over. That part of me is… dead.

Yet it didn’t happen. I didn’t do that. I said goodbye to many of those things practically. All of them actually. But I didn’t say goodbye to that part of me. That twenty-year-old who valued freedom and travel and avoided responsibility. He stayed trapped in there, wondering…

“Will I go to Ibiza again, get wallopped and get chatting to a group of girls at 3am with some deep house echoing in the background?”

I didn’t step back ,take a breather and just say “wow that was a lot that happened in 10 years”. I started here at 20 and I’m here at 30. I didn’t pop a cork to celebrate how far I’d come, not just practically, but emotionally. I was so insecure at 20, I had so much ego, so much doubt and fear. I didn’t have that at 30. That deserved a glass of champagne or a solo pilgrimage to take it all in.

I see this in men all the time. They’re 35 or 40, but they’re feeling 25. That youngster is still in them, hungry or thirsty for something. It comes out in different ways. Maybe it’s avoiding settling down. Maybe it’s clinging onto youth. Maybe it’s flicking on an ex’s IG page. Maybe it’s the attitude. Maybe, they haven’t truly appreciated how much they have changed. They’re still a teenager in a suit with an important job. It’s so close, they just need that moment to recognise how far they’ve come, but they don’t take it.

There’s been no goodbye. The threshold was crossed years ago, but emotionally they’re still there. Still 20, still wondering who they’ll shag next? Still chasing fun. Still avoiding commitment. They’ve travelled far and wide, become successful and really made something of themselves, but the self-doubt they had at 22 still runs them. It really doesn’t have to.

I kept telling myself that age was irrelevant. And we all do now, because Bryan Johnson is telling us we can look 45 when we’re 80. But no amount of collagen and peptides can stop the passing of time. No amount of teeth whitening or hair transplants can revert the spinning of the earth over 30 years. We might be able to slow down the physical signs of aging, but we shouldn’t try to stop the emotional maturing that time on this planet gives us.

I really believe all men would do well to wave goodbye to their twenties well and truly. Whatever that means to you. Say goodbye to who you were in your twenties and all the stuff you’re never going to do again. For me, I said goodbye to getting blackout drunk (I actually did that at 25), and being full of fear and insecurity. What I wanted to say goodbye to as well was freedom. I was ready to welcome in responsibility and purpose - I just didn’t know it. It was only at 33 when I said goodbye to the restless “freedom” of my twenties. I’m ready for something else now, thanks.

I don’t want to see more men trapped in their youth when they’re 40. Looking like Wayne Lineker but feeling sad inside. Being accomplished, successful, and significant on the outside, but feeling insecure on the inside. Becoming a man is about making choices, about letting go, about stepping forth.

By saying goodbye or taking a moment to see who we have become - we can all grow.

We’d all do well to let go of our twenties.