The power of neuroplasticity
Why no struggle has to be permanent.
When we get caught in a struggle, one of the hardest parts of it is that we often feel we’re going to be stuck with that thing forever.
I know when I was at my lowest, that was certainly at play.
If I were to pie chart what my struggle looked like, there was a lot going on:
There was the struggle itself
Then there was the fact I was a bloke, and was shaming myself for struggling in the first place
And then there was this feeling of being broken, of feeling like I was unfixable and was going to be stuck this way forever
The final slice of that pie is that I, of course, wasn’t talking about what was going for me - because I told myself that’s not what men do!
You can see why this particular pie wasn’t made up of the healthiest ingredients.
I was convinced this was my lot in life. It’s the main reason I found myself caught up in the throes of suicidal ideation.
And then I learnt about this thing called “neuroplasticity”. A fairly fun-sounding word, it became a linchpin for my recovery. In simple terms, it’s the ability of the brain to change and adapt. It can physically rewire itself and create new neural pathways.
That thought you keep having over and over again? Or that habit you can’t seem to drop? It can change. It’s one of the central tenets of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), which is that you can change your thinking to change your behaviour, and vice versa, to ultimately change how you feel.
Imagine you live near a beach and you go down there every single day. Everyone always walks the same path along the beach to the sea, so much so that the sand has been crushed down and a thick path has been created. What do new people do? They follow the same path.
This is what your thoughts will do; go down the path most trodden. But you can create new paths and walk a different path down that beach. It’ll be a light path at first, but gradually that one will become thicker and thicker and wind will cover the old one. Your brain isn’t a fixed circuit board, it’s more like clay, ready to be moulded. This is what you can do with your thoughts.
Things can change. Your brain can change. Your sense of masculinity can change. Where you are now doesn’t have to be where you are in a year from now, if you don’t want it to be. It’s not always easy, but it is possible.
As research for my book, I spoke with a burnout and stress coach, who also tells me that the other side to neuroplasticity is empowering ourselves with personal agency to change and avoiding getting into what she calls a “victim mindset”. Once we place ourselves into this mindset, we essentially lose all of our agency for change.
She said, “it might be a crap pill to swallow, but it’s also one of the most empowering things we can do, to say ‘I do have accountability and responsibility over this’. Going into a victim mindset is actually an easy thing to do, because you don’t have to do anything about it. You don’t have to find the energy, resources or solutions. The harder option is choosing not to be a victim.”
None of this is to dismiss the severity of things that people go through, and the emotions that come with them. We’re allowed to feel the things that we do, and changing mindsets isn’t as easy as simply flicking a light switch. Life can be hard as hell sometimes, and it’s okay to struggle.
But for many experiences in life, we are presented with a fork in the road, where we can’t choose what happens to us, but we can choose how we respond to it. Katie continued ”The self-fulling prophecy is rooted in science; if you believe you’re a victim and you can’t do anything about it, then you’re telling your brain that’s what you believe. And then your brain will give you back all the information to reinforce that belief. And then that reinforces your actions, habits and behaviours.”
On a more societal level, Katie believes this victim mindset has led to the rise of the manosphere and incels, which is a term used to describe mostly male, heterosexual groups who claim they’re unable to find a sexual partner, and so blame and shame women and girls as a result. Katie said, “while many may be struggling with loneliness or rejection, their mindset can become dangerous and weaponised. And then you have toxic influencers who prey on this mindset, convincing people that you can escape through violence and oppression.”
One of the worst (and best) things about being human is that nothing is set in stone. Healing is rarely ever linear, and we have ups and downs.
But just because you have a particular thought or belief now, doesn’t mean it always has to be so.
A brain that has been taught emotional suppression can unlearn this and relearn emotional expression instead.
Some of these unhelpful societal beliefs which act more like handcuffs than aids can be worked back, and we can change our relationship to our emotions, our bodies, ourselves.
Sometimes all it starts with is curiosity.
A journaling question:
What’s one belief you have about yourself which feels worn into your brain like an old path? What might a new path look like? Try to walk it at least once a day.
Let us know what you thought of this!
George and James x
It's definitely an interesting topic. I deliver leaflets for my local political party and when I do so I always go the same way. It's not really for a specific reason, but that's the way I've always done it. I am capable of change. I don't specifically mean my delivery route, but how that would apply to other avenues in life. I appreciate the thoughtful insight. I enjoyed the beach path metaphor.