We constantly tell men that they are not good enough and we have to stop.
The wave of discontent, disgust, hatred and disappointment towards men globally is constantly peaking, every week this death spiral continues to nose dive.
Men are under a barrage of criticism about misogynistic behaviour, a lack of accountability and a complicitness within a culture that harms and objectifies women.
I completely agree with this criticism and this anger from women, I feel it too. I often feel a sense of embarrassment towards my fellow man - that I want to distance myself from their behaviour.
Yet, this criticism and this mirroring has not moved the needle. If anything it feels as if it pushes men further and further away. Creating more shame, guilt and defensiveness.
For our boys, it’s even worse - the message is even more harmful “you have something monstrous in you” “being a man is bad” “men are bad”. What kind of messages are boys and young men picking up from society today? It feels so binary; either men are sin, or women are the problem. We have to change this for the next generation.
There a few things I believe we could do a lot better in conversation with and towards men.
1. We need to communicate and role model clearly that breaking free from the antiquated norms of what a man is, is not just some “woke agenda” - it is better for your health (physical, mental and everything)
Men of all types can chime and get on board with the desire to “be better” whether that be to live longer, make more money, be healthier or have more time.
More men looking after and investing in their health and becoming more nurturing towards their own minds and bodies ultimately leads to becoming kinder and empathetic.
2. We need men to be communicating directly to men about issues that involve the common denominator of “harm” - that could be men harming women, men or themselves. This violence inflicted by men upon others or themselves is simply the expression of suffering and for too long it has been women alone caring for men.
Men must help, care for, support and lead other men.
3. Most men don’t care about “misogyny” or “privilege”. Language like this others men and create separation rather than connection. The literature and vocabulary used within feminism will not resonate with the vast majority of men. We must meet men where they are, speak to their needs, their challenges, their suffering, their hopes and desires.
Most men today are worried about money, purpose, relationships, health - they have a grown up in a world where men were told to be hard, strong and unemotional. Most men today are figuring life out alone, with little guidance with some small light in them hoping they can do it all a bit differently to how their dad had to do it. Speaking to them about misogyny is totally missing the point.
I write this for men, knowing that in all likelihood more women will read it. I write this for men to listen to and, I hope, connect to. I haven’t written this for women - only perhaps to understand men a little bit more. This cause is one that is deeply impacting women, but I don’t believe women should have to do any more here. It’s on men to support one another and contribute to cultural change that can positive affect everyone.
The cultural change around men and masculinity is one of the most important topics in the world today. One that could stop wars, end unecessary violence and give more breath to our planet.
Can we help more men find peace?
Isn’t that what this is all about when we strip everything back. When you trace the thread between suicide, rape, depression, loneliness, violence, prison sentences and wars... isn’t the root cause suffering? Isn’t this suffering what we truly know to be alive for men? Or dead within them…?
Isn’t this our cause? To end this suffering for men. To bring more peace, tranquility and joy?
And more.. to do this in our way. To carve this path for men, by men. If the pathway towards peace is through controlled and expressed anger, great. Or if it is through creativity, art and movement. Or brotherhood and camaraderie, amazing.
Let us carve this path forward together.
James