I'm a new Dad, but that's not everything
Becoming a dad isn't all there is for men.
On 21/10 I became a Dad.
In that moment, holding my son, Xander, I felt my whole life change.
In the 5 weeks since I’ve been a different person. I’ve had a new lease of life. New purpose. New direction. I have felt electric with meaning. Tired, yes. But energised also too.
I resent the fact that when we talk about men, one of the only positive conversations we seem to be having is about men becoming dads. It annoys me that we only seem to give permission for men’s sensitivity, care and affection when it comes to fatherhood. As if that has no place in a man’s life before he may become a dad.
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More so, it angers me that so many men refuse change and personal transformation until they become a dad. Like it takes you having a daughter to start respecting women. Or it takes you caring for another human to take care of yourself.
I’m sitting here on the cusp of my own transformative shift into fatherhood and I can feel the gravity of this threshold. I have literally crossed into a whole new life and a whole new way of being.
For me, this change is really welcomed. I was really really ready for this. I’m 34, married, we own our own home, we live near our family and I’ve accomplished a lot of what I wanted to do personally and professionally. I feel very ready to give and be in service of something greater. A family. For the last couple of years going on holiday with just me and Sarah has felt quite empty, how many more great hikes can we do? How many more beaches can we lozack on?
Becoming a Dad isn’t the only threshold I’ve ever crossed in my life before either. I’ve spent 10+ years putting in the work on myself. At 25 I navigated a breakdown/burnout/existential crisis/quarter life crisis and responded to the panic attacks and anxiety I was feeling by taking myself on a healing journey over the next 5 years.
One thing I’m certain we are lacking as men is rite of passage and ritual. We have to navigate the journey from boy to lad to guy to man all alone. No brotherhood, no community, no hunting in the forest with your dad and your uncle to guide you. Sometimes we’re able to journey through those passages ourselves in a DIY manner.
I went through a rite of passage of sorts at 25 when I shut down my first business and bounced back in a rebirth, completely changing myself from one version of me to another. It wasn’t easy though, it was a real mess and I had to build a tribe around me from scratch to do it.
The reason I believe becoming a dad is getting so much attention for men is that it’s a really physical and tangible rite of passage that society is accepting and welcoming of. There’s still little support for dads, but men are beginning to unite around the shared passage of fatherhood. I love this and I love how healthy this is for men and wider society.
Yet, this has also shone a light for me on how much we are lacking other forms of community and ritual to support other identity shifts and changes for men. If done well, a Stag Do and a wedding can be a period of growth and change for men. As they unfold from “bachelor” to “husband” and take on the responsibility of that role, whilst being seen and witnessed by others.
Yet too often this ritual and rite of passage becomes dressing up as buzz lightyear and drinking jagerbombs on a stag, and then saying how great all the bridesmaids look in the speech at the wedding.
Then, if we look at what spaces, traditions and moments are culturally available to men, you can conceivably see boys waiting 20 years to pass through a transformative shift in their life. What modern traditions and rites of passage do we have for boys and men? Is becoming a dad one of the only we actually have available to us? I genuinely think so.
Young men could conceivably go from aged ~13 to ~34 alone, with no community support, no brotherhood, no ritual, no tradition, no pats on the back, nobody holding a mirror up, nobody telling you what they mean to you. Let’s assume I get married and have a stag and a wedding in my late twenties or early thirties maybe these moments give me some comfort, some support and some opportunity for growth (but probably not). Then in my early thirties I become a dad, this might be the first moment I truly cross the threshold into, not just fatherhood, but manhood itself.
I am absolutely loving being a dad. And I am absolutely loving the energy around dads in modern culture right now. The conversation around dads is everywhere. Modern Wisdom podcasts with Jon Bellion, John Lewis adverts, dad meet ups all over my linkedin. Yet, come on. This can’t be all we have for men. Hands up, right now being a dad feels like everything in my life, I’m consumed by it. But when I zoom out, we can’t let being a dad be the only thing for men. We can’t let dads dominant the conversation around men, because we are so much more than that and for young men who go from their teenage years, through to their early twenties with all of that life in between - we have to be creating community, ritual and tradition that supports the transition from boy to man way before you have another tiny human life in your hands.
I’m loving my new role and identity as a Dad. I believe I made myself ready for it by going through other changes and shift in my life well before this one. I don’t want becoming a Dad to become the only way men change, or grow.
Yes, let’s celebrate and support Dads.
But please let’s celebrate and support men too.
What’s been your experience of this? Let us know in the comments!
James x
Really appreciated this piece. I’m not a dad myself - life hasn’t taken me down that path. But I still found myself nodding along to what you’ve written about transitions, identity and the evolution men go through.
What resonated most is the reminder that growth doesn’t begin or end with fatherhood. Some of us have had to do a lot of that work in other ways e.g. through career shifts, losses, letting go of old expectations, or rebuilding who we are in adulthood. Those transitions can be just as profound, just as identity-shaping, even if they don’t come with the title of ‘Dad’.
I love that you’re celebrating fatherhood while also widening the conversation. We all need spaces, rituals and community that support our development whether or not parenthood is part of our story. Thanks for making room for all of us.
Great article! In case you take requests, I'd like to hear more about how "a Stag Do and a wedding can be a period of growth and change for men". Would be curious to hear your thoughts on this.