"How many people have you slept with?"
Unpacking one of the most common questions that guys ask each other.
How many times have you been asked that question in your life?
How many times have you asked it yourself?
If we’re all being honest, we’ve probably all asked it at least once. Or even if we haven’t vocalised it, we’ve thought about it. Wondered what a “good” number looks like, wondered at what point we’ll get the seal of approval from our mates on having enough “notches on the bedpost”.
It’s one of the greatest sources of anxiety and angst for young men growing up. It’s also one of the prime factors, if not the most important, around which a young man is judged.
The equation is crude and simple.
The more people you sleep with = the more of a man you are.
Of course, other elements get added into the equation. You get more points if your mates deem the other person to be “fit”.
It can add on a whole other dimension to the conversation, where it’s not just about how many people you sleep with, but it’s also about how “fit” they are perceived to be, how regularly you are having sex (god forbid anyone has a “dry patch”!), and how well you’re performing the act too.
How have we got to this place?
This conversation isn’t just about sex, although that’s the perception that many hold, and why men often hold the unfair reputation of “only caring about one thing and one thing only”.
When researching for my book, I interviewed a relationships and dating coach, and he told me that this is much deeper than simply sex. This goes to a core wound that so many men carry - one of not feeling good enough.
This can surface in many ways, but essentially, most men carry a feeling of inadequacy, whether or not that’s explicitly felt.
But why is sex the antidote that so many men fall back on when trying to heal this wound, even if they don’t realise that’s what they’re doing?
Let’s get into it.
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