Going deeper
The unexpressed potential in men
I’ve been reflecting on where we’re at in this whole “Masculinity Movement” and when I take a step back and reflect on my own feelings as a man, I see two things.
We still have to go deeper as men on the topics under the surface
We need bravery and courage for this journey
I see so much unexpressed potential in men
The truth is that I am scared to write more, and to write more personally about my experiences as a man and around masculinity in general. What I have written so far has been pretty safe if I’m honest. I’m not saying our writing so far has not been valuable. It has, but truthfully. We have to go deeper.
When I think about my own exploration and investigation into my world as a man. It’s limited.
Yes, I’ve been to therapy. Yes, I’ve experienced coaching. Yes, I’ve “opened up”. But, apply the lens of masculinity fully to my own life. To really investigate and look at myself as a man. Have I done that? I’ve read Iron John. I’ve followed a bit of writing about men. I get feminism. I’ve let the mirror of misogyny and the #metoo movement be held up to me and I’ve taken a long hard look. But how deep have I really gone? I’m still in the shallows.
Even in allowing myself to write this I’m finding the real reasons and the deeper topics that I’m avoiding.
When I think about going deeper. Going deeper into my experience as a man, as a lad, as a boy. Topics come up, relationships come up and the thoughts of opening those boxes scare me a bit. I feel the fear of not conforming as a man. I feel the fear of potential conflict or confrontation. I feel the fear of not belonging to men.
The list of this unexplored world begins for me with fatherhood. Dads. My relationship with my dad. His relationship with his. Dads in general. All of our relationships with all of our dads. Isn’t this paternal relationship THE defining aspect of masculinity? Aren’t our paternal bonds THE NUMBER ONE topic when it comes to this work?
I’m no expert, but they must be. They have to be. Do I want to go there, do I want to take us there? I know I probably must, but I’m scared to, because I know that actually. Actually wow, this is a deep deep topic that is so close to all of our hearts.
If the world were to heal our collective paternal wounds, I’m sure the world for men and boys would transform.
Now, let’s layer in some more of these topics in the world of men that stare me in the face when I consider really and truly going deep-sea diving.
Friendship and fraternal bonds. Dare I question male friendships? Especially when I feel so much love, respect and loyalty to the friends I personally have. But also, haven’t I many times felt lonely? How many male mates can I call? Do I call? Do I see regularly? Do I really want to open up this box and actually stare at the state of my own male friendships, do I really want to take us there? To call this out too?
On a personal level asking this question, I’ll admit scares me. I’m not sure I want to see what I might uncover. I’m not sure i’m ready to admit the loneliness, the lack of connection and the yearning for belonging. This is confusing territory for me and so many men.
I’m diving now and I can see these two great blue whales; fatherhood, friendships and what else?
No doubt sex is in there too. Paternal and fraternal bonds might be the core shaper of male lives and our outlook on masculinity. Is sex not one of the core drivers? Desire. Urges. Repressed or expressed? Has anyone really uncovered this or does this topic remain an incognito tab or a VPN to watch porn?
Still, to me, sex remains the ultimate elephant in the room topic that is always encircling the lives of men. Are you having it? How much are you having it? Who with? How often? What type? When?
Now, as we keep diving in these murky waters of the male psyche we can’t avoid male opinions, thoughts and feelings towards women. Fuelled by sex, shaped by the relationship with your Mum and lived out in your day-to-day existence at work, at home and probably in the reels on social media.
Nothing too deep then. Just sex, dads, your mum, women and mates. In my whole body, I know that these are truly the topics men need to discuss, to know about, to be listened to on, to uncover within ourselves. I know this and I’m scared to put my snorkel on. Scared to go there myself.
These topics aren’t the elephant in the room. They’re not even that obvious. They are lurking in the shadows each and every day. They’re like ghosts that dance around men in their day-to-day lives. Silent puppet masters dictating male culture, male actions, and male behaviour.
When did you last talk to a mate about your dad?
When did you last watch porn, and do you wonder why?
How many mates do you see and speak to regularly?
I know we have to go there. I know I have to go there and I sense my role might even be to take us there. I just don’t know how. Maybe writing about it is enough. Maybe publishing a story about it all will kick-start something.
Why? Why does that matter? Why does this matter to me?
This ultimately is the question that has been chasing me around. Why do you care James?
My head and eyes tell me it’s because the world is getting f*cked mostly by men in power. My heart tells me it is because I see so much unexpressed potential in men and I have seen it all my life. Men lacking in confidence. Men trapped in boxes. Men scared to takes risks. Men conforming to group think. It’s been the story of my life to witness this and feel saddened by it. So many moments of missed connection. So much love and affection unnoticed or unshared.
The world needs the emergence of the healthy masculine. The world needs healthy men. The world needs strong men. Good men. Honest men. The world needs an update on male operating culture. When I look around, I see loads of amazing men as passive bystanders in thier lives, looking down at the floor hoping that things could be a bit different for them and everyone, but not taking a step forwards.
What do you see? And why are you here? Why do we need this movement? What aren’t we talking about? Where do we need to go?
I’d love to hear from you.
James x