Getting big
is making me feel more like a man
This year I started going to a PT. I’ve been on and off in the gym for years. Ever since Uni when I discovered bench press, dead lifts, bicep curls and protein shakes - I’ve been in and out of the gym.
Initially I really loved how empowering it was to see my body change and grow. I enjoyed getting stronger and I enjoyed filling out the arms on my t-shirts a bit more. Mostly, my relationship with “the gym” then felt healthy, although my intentions for being in there were never fully conscious. I was motivated by some desire somewhere to be “bigger” or be “stronger”. Some parts of this desire felt right - the growth, the progression, the genuine strength and fitness.
Other parts of this desire were from a stranger unknown place. A murkier desire to be “big” and how that would make me look better. Some competitive desire to be seen as strong amongst my mates. Some confusion around what women might want me to look like on instagram photos.
I never went deeply down the rabbit hole of the gym and getting “big”. I know many lads who took some form of steroid or went on some crazy diet for a few months, all to have a six pack for the first few days in Ibiza. That’s never been me, but there has always been a pull to the gym. Always been a pull to strength training. Always a pull towards wanting or needing to be strong and “look strong”
I’ve always been confused around whether being big and strong is something I want or need. Do I feel like I need to be in there to be externally validated? Or do I actually want to be in there?
This wavering is why the majority of my gym sessions for the last 10 years have been ineffective. Mostly me strolling around the gym floor purposeless wondering when I could justify stretching or going into the sauna. It’s only when I had a buddy to go to the gym with that I really enjoyed it and saw progress.
In the last 5 years I’ve mostly been into running or trail running. As a result I’ve been pretty slim, weighing about 75-77kg with not a lot of muscle on my upper body to show for my many miles down the canal or on the trails. 9hrs of running/walking across 33 miles and 13 summits of the Isle of Man last year didn’t exactly amount to a muscular physique.
Since becoming a dad time is more precious and justifying a 3hr training run, or 2 hour Padel session is harder. That’s why I signed up to a PT called Ambition. Even that name made me smile. Mantras of Ambition, or Hustle or Grind don’t resonate like they used to.
Even so, something drew me there. The practicalities of a high quality work out in 45 or 60 minutes. And, something about Ambition itself too.
I can’t say I’ve loved it. I’ve found it rewarding and my body has changed. Despite wanting to lose some of Dad weight i’ve acquired, I’ve actually gained muscle mass. I put my old wedding suit on this weekend and was popping out of it. My shoulders are broader, my chest, glutes, legs, arms and shoulders are all visibly bigger. The numbers don’t lie since I’m tracking them - I’m bigger and I’m stronger. I’m almost 5kg heavier.
You might expect the punchline to this to be that I feel no different. That my size has no bearing on how much of a man I am. It’s not true for me though. Truthfully and I almost hate I’m saying this. I feel more of a man.
I’m not saying my size or strength makes me more of a man by anyone’s arbitrary measurements of what a man is or isn’t, but undeniably, in my body - I currently feel more like a man.
I imagine, this is personal to me. That every man has a unique relationship with their body and every man will come to their own conclusions as to what makes them feel “good”. That’s what I’m saying really - I feel good. I feel like I have more presence. I feel more centred, more aligned, more solid, more resilient.
I’m not using this writing to make any claims or present any blueprints. That’s where we constantly go wrong with men and masculinity in my opinion. We constantly try to control what a man should be. I’m just saying this is my experience. I’m bigger and I’m stronger and I feel good - I feel like a man in my body. This is my experience, I’m not trying to impose it on anyone else.
I could reflect on why. Why I enjoy looking bigger? Why I enjoy being stronger? Is it so that I can defend myself, protect myself, protect my family? Is it so that I’ll be looked at differently by others for the size of my arms? Is it that I might be more attractive?
At 24 I had no idea why I wanted to be bigger and stronger. At 34 I still feel equally a bit confused by it. What I do know is that I intrinsically feel good and that means more than everything else to be honest. I simply feel good in my body. I like the way I feel. I feel powerful in my body and I like that. I also like the progression, I can see and feel growth. Plus, I made a commitment to a PT - to go two or three times a week - to show up and I have done that. Following through on this commitment and investment in myself also makes me feel like a man.
Your size does not reflect who you are as a man. There is no blueprint for what a man should look like, as much as instagram or the media would like to make us believe there is. The days of men needing to look like King Leonidas from 300 are over (it was all CGI anyway). Men come in all different shapes and sizes and I believe as men we all need to go on our own personal journey to be happy and comfortable in our bodies. It’s this journey and this commitment to ourselves that truly matters.
I’d love to know what you think