It happened like it always does. Somehow through the internet, news of something happening at Cornell, a far off distant place I’ve never been to, enters my news feed and seeps its way into my consciousness.
Enraged posts by women I respect and more reactions from men than usual, but I block them out and flick past… I can’t go there with that.. yet. I’m tired, it’s been a long day. I’m on instagram reels to numb out and escape, not feel something like this…
Why do I do that? Ignore this kind of news initially?
It’s because I don’t want to know. Or, don’t want to feel what I know I will inevitably feel. Shame, anger, guilt even - some collective culpability in a distant event that has nothing to do with me. At this point I don’t even know what’s happened.
But I do know. Of course I do - I know it will be some sort of transgression by a man. Rape, sexual assault, murder maybe. What’s warped is I’m quite desensitised by now - I’ve come to expect it every month or so, every week if you doom scroll too much. More ugly news about crimes committed against women and girls by men. Mostly men that look a bit like my dad, old and white. Sometimes, ones that look like some of my mates - young and white. Either way, always men in the same drop-down demographic list as me.
My conscience rises and I have to look closer. I’m compelled to know and know it all. One news article, then another. Then my instagram feed is an endless flurry of hot-takes on the Cornell 7 or 57 gang rape.
Gang rape? At university? 2 years ago. Nothing done. They just had to write essays? Only 2 got expelled. I’m no judge or juror but I’m reading Snapchat messages that say “free p*ssy upstairs” and I’m coming to my own conclusions.
I’m now firmly down the social media rabbit hole. I’m reading comments on social media from faceless accounts who say the victim is lying. Reading passionate responses from a woman in Austin, Texas who says “no she isn’t, she’s a victim who was traumatised, I’ve been there too”. The victim messages in the group the next day to try and establish what happened - typical behaviour apparently.
I have this sinking feeling in my stomach. Something close to revulsion, sickness, disgust and horror. This poor young girl. How must she feel? Absolutely broken I imagine, I can’t even imagine. Not even close. What was done to her is horrifying, but then the response is as horrifying. It’s as if the violence to which she was subjected whilst drunk and on drugs continues as those involved in making it all happen carry on with their lives relatively unharmed and she remains unheard and unseen. The act itself is pure hatred and the way those in power responded to the act gives justification to that hatred - the response says; “oh that was quite bad, but it wasn’t that bad”. Her pain isn’t even justified.
And then can I be honest? I’ll say it because someone should and I created this substack to be the place for it. For a moment I feel selfish. I feel so annoyed and frustrated that my image as a man is tarnished yet again. I do, I’ll be honest, want to quickly tell all women that care that I’m a good one actually. Please don’t judge me. I want to say it, don’t say it, I want to say “not all men though”. I want to say “not me, not ever”. These ones are different. I’m not like those. The men I know aren’t like those. Believe me please! These ones must have something else going on, they must actually be monsters because we are not. I’m not. I don’t know any, promise.
It’s quite pathetic really. This desire to self-protect. I understand this is what the world “performative” probably means. I want to do it. I want put on an act to green flag myself.
Just like with Sarah Everard who was murdered by a police officer and Giselle Pelicot who was drugged and raped by her husband and other men from the internet - it becomes a lot harder to be a man and distance yourself from this when there’s proof that there aren’t just a number of perpetrators - there are also a number of bystanders too. We literally cannot hide from the fact that men are witnessing this kind of behaviour in action and letting it play out.
It’s easy for men to say “yeah but I would never do that” but it’s actually not as easy to say “yeah but I would ALWAYS say something” because many of us don’t. I haven’t. We clearly haven’t been doing that en masse.
What comes next is a monologue of excuses. I’ve made them to myself in the past.
“Yeah but a bit of banter in the WhatsApp group is alright isn’t it?”
“Watching porn doesn’t count does it..”
“The chat in that stag group chat with those lads I don’t know is pretty rough tbf… but it’s not my place to say”
Most men have never ever even come close to a situation where a man they are connected to even hinted he would do something really terrible to a woman.
But we all know what the chat looks like between men about women and it’s still pretty grim, undignified and disrespectful. It’s the kind of chat you stomach as long as it never touches a woman you know. As long as the group don’t say anything like that about your sister, or your mum or wife… crack on. But we all know that the way men generally talk about women as if they are objects created specifically for our pleasure is wrong and it doesn’t stop.
This is just the truth as I know it. If you see it differently, if you have found a way to show up differently consistently and combat this group behaviour in men - I’d love to hear from you. There is a link between gang rape at an American university and the state of men chatting in their WhatsApp groups. It’s clear and undeniable. It has been for a while.
Yet again we have a global news story that portrays men as monsters. Then most of the response is women telling men they aren’t doing enough. All the while loads of men have other stuff going on in their lives that feels way more important than this. Most men are not reading this blog post. Most men don’t really care about a rape at Cornell in the US. Many men that are reading this already get it. Other men reading this might care, but care more about other stuff.
The narrative towards men has to change. We are in a doom spiral of “toxic masculinity” whereby men are told how toxic and monstrous they are, so any dark or painful feelings they harbour are pushed further into the shadows - perpetuating more harmful behaviour.
We have to inspire men, not judge them. In a rape case, by all means, judge them, but collectively men and boys need to be inspired, no judged.
What’s not clear to men currently is that by actively caring about issues likes this that deeply affect women - you are becoming a better man. You’re becoming a better husband, son, friend, brother and I bet that’s what you want to be. It’s this, that isn’t clear yet. The status quo is some form of misogyny whether severe or low-level. What hasn’t clearly been established to men is that breaking free from this, away from the subtle disrespect or even downright hatred of women is a pathway to much more health and happiness for men.
I know that actually many men feel lost as to “what to do” - which is a feeling I totally understand. Perhaps you want to be different, show up differently but you don’t know where to start. Maybe the chat in the lads group has always made you feel uncomfortable but you’ve never had another group to be a part of. Maybe you’re a dad now to a daughter and you are imagining her going to university.
I don’t have a lot of advice because I am still learning and growing myself but there are two important actions I believe all men can take to positively evolve how we come together as men and change male culture, especially as it relates to women.
