This is good stuff that makes me smile, or feel relief. Stuff that makes me feel good about being a man. Whilst much of the content that might find us on the internet is filled with fear about declining birth-rates and women who hate men because men hate women or how everyone is getting f*cked by the patriarchy and it’s your fault too - the stuff in this list is the breath of fresh air. The slap in the face that reminds us that the world is good, men are good, masculinity is evolving and we can be hopeful for the future.

• This Richard Reeves article about what is actually happening in the “gender war” is a breath of fresh air. When I first read this, I just thought “how true” - yes in the extremes of social media it seems like men and women are further apart than ever. Yet actually in the middle ground, both men and women are moving the world forward to a more equitable place.

Of Boys and Men

What gender war?

Online, the gender war is raging. Women hate men who hate women. There’s a massive backlash against gender equality and the gains of women. Even perhaps a resurgent misogyny. Or, the feminization of our institutions has rendered them weak, and there is a war against masculinity. There are tradwives and AWFULs, chads and incels. And so on, and on, and on…

Read more

2 months ago · 119 likes · Richard V Reeves

• Richard Reeves is fantastic for any quality content like this, his latest podcast with Chris Williamson is good.

• Jon Bellion’s album Father Figure

• Greg James generally. I got into the habit of listening to Radio 1 in the morning recently. Not really for the music, but mainly for Greg James. He’s positive, optimistic, energetic and kind. He really is a good man. My day is always a bit better with a bit of Greg in it.

• Wout van Aert and Cycling in general. I’m not a cyclist, but I watch a lot of cycling. It’s a brilliant sport. Amazing to watch and switch off to as they cover great distances in beautiful places. What I love about it too is the respect and integrity in the sport. There’s never any gossip or judgement. If someone loses they immediately congratulate the winner. The riders often push so deep that when they cross the line they break down in tears. I love it and all the professional cyclists I really believe are great role models. This interview with Wout van Aert sums it up, when he beat the best cyclist in the world and won Paris-Roubaix he was overcome with emotion and dedicated the victory to a cyclist who had died on his team eight years ago. A class act.

• Close to Home - Michael Magee. It’s very hard to find modern fiction written by young men. As far as I can tell we have a real problem and gap here. This debut novel by Michael Magee about life in Belfast is exceptional though.

• Small Prophets - BBC. Long live the BBC in my opinion, because comedy like this has such a place. If you’re a young guy, this is the kind of comedy you could probably get your dad to watch and ask him why he liked it so much. The main character is a man in the midst of grief and hoarding, with his own dad with dementia. Lots to talk about with an eccentric sci-fi-ish twist.

Rather than read about Epstein and Trump and Tate every day. A mixture of this stuff makes me much prouder to be a man and gives me much more inspiration for the man I am becoming, and how I can guardian my own son too.

Enjoy

P.s. share any stuff you’re reading, watching or listening to in the comments too.

Leave a comment

What would the good manosphere look like?

It really annoys me that the manosphere has been defined by incel groups and online misogynists posting nonsense about everything, targeted at men.

A man can be anything. Therefore, surely the manosphere can be anything too?

The broad themes that are covered in the manosphere speak to what young men want to learn more about and where they are seeking guidance.

People like Andrew Tate, HS Tokky Tokky and Jordan Wally have got this very right - they absolutely know what men (particularly young men) want to know about.

The topics are as follows:

• Money

• Body/Fitness

• Women/Relationships

• Sex

• Lifestyle

The good manosphere could nail these topics!

Any man with half a brain and an ounce of decency could speak to all of these topics with a level of maturity and literacy that would be ACTUALLY helpful to many.

What we’re really talking about is:

• Purpose

• Health

• Progression

• Intimacy

• Connection

• Freedom

Fantastic topics.

What we need is the good manosphere to talk about these topics in a realistic and healthy way that does not offer quick wins or trading tips. Nothing predatory, just helpful direction.

In the good manosphere, we’d tell you that money is important, but it’s not everything. We would talk about the feelings that money brings up as a way in to bigger conversations about career, purpose and progress. We might even talk about joy, joy in what you do.

In the good manosphere, we’d talk about health and fitness, but we wouldn’t obsess over your vanity or strength. We’d focus on moving your body in a way that feels good. We’d focus on moving forward - finding a physical hobby and taking ownership of your health. If that means lifting weights in a gym - great. If it means rock climbing - brilliant.

In the good manosphere, we’d definitely talk about sex. We’d talk about intimacy, confidence and how to approach women, or whoever you like, in a respectful and dignified way. We might even talk about what rejection feels like. We might even talk about how to feel comfortable in yourself without needing external validation. We’d definitely talk about porn and masturbation too.

In the good manosphere, we could tell men how to be men in a whole world of different ways that isn’t cookie-cutter course selling nonsense.

If you’re reading this. You are in the good manosphere. Or, you really could be in it if you wanted to. Just be a good man. Be there for other men. We can all make a difference to turn the tide from the “bad manosphere” to the good one.

Leave a comment

Organised by Men’s Health Forum, the theme for this year is 'Men and Pharmacy’, specifically asking the question “how can we use pharmacies to improve men’s health?”

They’re targeting a triple win:

“If the government uses pharmacy effectively as part of its men’s health strategy, it could boost men’s health by improving access, reduce pressure on the NHS and benefit the high-street pharmacy by increasing footfall.”

Obviously, the week doesn’t only have to be about this, and any positive conversations we have about men and men’s health are a step in the right direction.

But I must admit, I do like this year’s theme. The stats are pretty compelling around men’s health. To summarise, generally speaking men are more resistant to healthcare pathways, leave things later than they should to get checked, and so are at higher risk of premature mortality from a bunch of stuff.

The equation is pretty simple. If we can get more men acting on their health sooner, we’ll save more lives.

The pharmacy could be a good place to do this.

Part of this is obviously practically getting more men actually getting things checked that they need to.

But the other part of this is the psychological side of it.

There’s a silly belief that traditional masculinity peddles which is that asking for help with your health is a sign of weakness. This isn’t always the case with some things, but it might depend how a health setback occurred. For example, many men may proudly show off the cast around their leg if the injury occurred during sport or some sort of extreme activity, which has inherent connotations of being “manly”.

But anything outside of this can be seen as something we have to sweep under the rug.

So the actual act of getting more men into healthcare pathways, chatting about their health, getting familiarised with medicines, realising the world doesn’t collapse when you do this stuff…can only be a good thing.

All that being said, I’m intrigued to see how the actual execution of this week goes.

We’re talking about working back decades of conditioning with stuff like this, a simple poster telling men to pop down to the pharmacy isn’t going to change that instantly.

I have a feeling that this week will reach the people that are already converted and get this, and will fall on deaf ears for the rest.

Although, of course, this is the challenge with any of this work - this publication included.

So I want to look at this with a glass half-full mentality - that it’s a good thing we’re having these conversations, and if it reaches even one new man, that’s a step in the right direction.

I’d love to hear, are you doing anything in particular for this week? Have you seen a great campaign, or is your workplace planning on doing something?

And if you’ve read this and there’s a thing you’ve been delaying getting checked up or having a conversation about, whatever that might be, use this article as your sign to book the appointment 👍

You can also read more about Men’s Health Week and find various resources here:

• Men’s Health Forum

• Mates in Mind

George x

Leave a comment

Here’s his post in full if you can’t / don’t want to click the link:

His caption was even more beautiful:

“We all arrive here crying”.

It’s an important point about how we keep talking about emotions. I often see people telling men to “get more in touch with their feminine side”.

It’s generally well-meaning, but it plays into the problem that we’re trying to break: the fact that we’ve made emotions gendered.

Emotions aren’t feminine, they’re human.

The notion that they’re feminine is a social construct/concept/belief, not a biological fact or certainty.

When we tell men to get more feminine, we’re reinforcing that faulty social construct, whether we like it or not.

We should either be telling people:

a) to get more human,

b) to get more comfortable sitting with and processing natural emotions.

Both are more accurate, and the latter particularly is specific and gets to the nub of the issue. “Be more feminine”, while being a phrase that we can probably cognitively understand, isn’t really that specific. What does it even mean? There are limitless ways we can define femininity, so what does “get more feminine” even mean?

I also come at this with my marketing hat on.

The golden rule of marketing is you should speak to your target audience in their language if you want to bring them along on the path you’re trying to take them down.

If we’re trying to reach a bunch of men who have repressed their emotions for decades and think they have to be ultra-macho, and our solution is “get in touch with your feminine” side, how do we honestly think that will land?

Do we think they’ll put down their dumbbells and skip down the road to therapy? If anything, they will probably just retreat even further into their sense of masculinity as a defence mechanism.

In truth, the people who will resonate with the phrase “getting more in touch with your feminine side” will be the men who have already done this. We’ll be preaching to the converted.

So, this should be the part where I helpfully lay out a five-point plan on exactly what to say, right?

That would be nice, and without making excuses, it’s not as easy as that. This is a complex conversation, and finding the right words is half the problem.

But the one thing I do know is that there are times when talking about masculinity and femininity is incredibly helpful, and I don’t think this is one of them.

We have to help people realise that we are humans (crazy discovery, I know), and the boxes we operate within are mostly social constructs, built at a point in time to serve a minority, not something we should keep ourselves trapped within.

Emotions are human. We have them for a reason. Time to stop demonising them.

George x

Leave a comment

Their reasoning is that it will do “more harm than good”.

And their argument has some merit - the test can be unreliable, and so some may end up getting over-treated for something they don’t have, giving them avoidable after-symptoms as a result.

For example, is said that men could suffer from “incontinence and erectile dysfunction” when they didn’t need treatment in the first place.

The rejection of the screening programme is only a recommendation from health experts, so there is still a chance that the government could move forward with plans to roll it out.

But clearly, this isn't a straightforward or clean issue, and there are obvious arguments for the science on both sides.

So I want to focus less on this specific issue and more on the wider perception and treatment of men’s health.

Read more

This all-seeing, all-knowing algorithm which reels us in and then won’t let us go.

But I’ve also been pondering it from the other side, from the place of a mental health content creator, wondering what place this type of content has on the feed, and what it might show about where we are as a society.

I’ve built my following on LinkedIn, with 55,000 lovely people choosing to listen to my musings.

But recently, I’ve noticed a sharp decline in reach. Views, impressions, engagements, profile views…it’s all dropped off a cliff.

Now, I’m not the only one. Probably at least once a day I see someone on my feed talking about it.

But then I look at what content is getting ahead and “winning”.

It’s recycled templates about how to “supercharge your content with AI” or “78 winning AI prompts”.

It’s all about AI and optimisation.

The humanness of the platform is being sucked out, replaced by a mindless sea of repetitive, AI-generated nonsense.

Then I’ve seen LinkedIn employees talking about wanting to help their users build “economic” value.

In essence, they want people to grow themselves and their careers using LinkedIn, therefore making more money, therefore being more likely to stay on the platform and spend money. Which is all fine and noble.

But what place does mental health content have in all of this?

Sadly, I think it’s a tiny place, if one at all.

Content about personal stories, about wellbeing, about mental health, seem to be tanking.

It reflects a clear broader shift in society that seems to have moved on from the wellbeing conversation, resigning workplace wellbeing to be more of a “fad” that gets shelved away, while only a few good companies and individuals remain to fight the good fight.

I believe the algorithm doesn’t think wellbeing content will help users build this “economic value”.

But that’s just total horse crap.

A good sense of wellbeing (physical and mental) is the bedrock to a healthy lifestyle, one that allows us to work well and to work hard, to progress and achieve success, to build a sustainable life that allows economic value to follow.

But that’s far too nuanced a point for how society often treats this conversation.

Particularly in the Western world, where humans are treated more like machines - we are constantly trying to optimise ourselves, and if we get sick - we don’t rest, we just take some pills and hop back on the rat race treadmill.

Perhaps I’m being overdramatic. Someone could easily say to me that LinkedIn is the “professional” platform, and if I want to make mental health content, then I should go on over to Facebook or Instagram.

But I do think it’s deeper than that. There was a period when wellbeing content was valued. I was made an invite-only LinkedIn Top Voice off the back of it.

Now, some of my posts get seen by only 1-2% of my followers. That’s a crazy shift.

Of course, I have some personal bias here. Obviously I want my content to reach more people. But it makes me worried about the wider trend of where we’re heading.

AI, redundancy, optimisation, money, growth, hustle, grind…

What happened to just being human?

George x

Leave a comment

Or worse, it’s treated less like a potato, more like a grenade. As though the thing itself is so dangerous and explosive that it contains nothing but harm.

But we’re talking about a group of people here who represent 50% of the global population, over 4 billion people.

And there are plenty of stats that speak for themselves around men’s health on why we must do more for men.

So why are we so resistant to this topic?

Read more

I told him about working in the mental health space and writing a book on masculinity.

He didn’t say anything after, and the silence felt heavy - I wasn’t sure what he was thinking!

Then I saw the welling up in his eyes.

He looked away from me, and said, “therapy saved my life ten years ago.”

Read more

For context, it’s a club involving my dad’s mates, so there was a link there as to why they’d chosen it.

But it was still something I was really grateful to be a part of, and it was nice to see the club in action.

This is a group of men in their late 60s who get together once a month to discuss the latest agreed book. The sessions always happen in the pub, so they did confess that often the club ends up being about 20% on the book, 80% on just a general catchup over a pint, but that doesn’t really matter.

The club was born out of another activity they do together: walking football.

The majority of the group, my dad included, have been friends since primary school - about 50 years!

Listening to them talk, and the ease and regularity with which they get together, left me with a feeling of wondering how we’ve managed to move so far away from that in this day and age.

It feels like we really have to fight for connection these days. We’re constantly up against multiple WhatsApp threads, algorithms which seem to have our worst interests at heart, an endless supply of “sorry it’s taken me a while to come back to you” messages.

Granted, the majority of the group I was with are retired, so that obviously helps. They have kids, but they’re well over 18, many of them out of the family home. But even years ago, long before retirement, they still organised an annual lads trip somewhere in the UK. I just felt the ease with which they made sure seeing each other was baked into their everyday routine.

It was also nice for me that they’d chosen my book for the group, but I wondered how it would land. This was a generation of men who aren’t the target market for the book, and are the generation where this conversation around men’s mental health simply never existed.

I felt some of that resistance as we discussed the book. Not in a hyper critical way, but in a way that highlighted how different my message is to the one they were brought up with. But they listened, they asked good questions, and they offered their own perspective.

One of the men commented on how they do regularly see each other, but probably aren’t a group that has ever been very good at discussing the deeper stuff. There was a level of self-reflection and awareness there that made me think they would be okay talking about this stuff, but perhaps the rules of their generation had stopped them from ever doing it.

While I obviously believe it’s important that this deeper level of connection is baked into our friendship groups, I could also sense how much they filled up each other’s cups simply through their regular meetups, different activities and questionable dad jokes.

Yes, we need to make changes to how we talk about male mental health and emotions. But half the battle can also start with just getting something in the diary.

These men, with their annual holidays, their weekly walking football sessions, and their monthly book club, reminded me that connection shouldn’t need to feel as hard as the 2020s have somehow made it.

George x

Leave a comment

Initially I really loved how empowering it was to see my body change and grow. I enjoyed getting stronger and I enjoyed filling out the arms on my t-shirts a bit more. Mostly, my relationship with “the gym” then felt healthy, although my intentions for being in there were never fully conscious. I was motivated by some desire somewhere to be “bigger” or be “stronger”. Some parts of this desire felt right - the growth, the progression, the genuine strength and fitness.

Other parts of this desire were from a stranger unknown place. A murkier desire to be “big” and how that would make me look better. Some competitive desire to be seen as strong amongst my mates. Some confusion around what women might want me to look like on instagram photos.

Share

I never went deeply down the rabbit hole of the gym and getting “big”. I know many lads who took some form of steroid or went on some crazy diet for a few months, all to have a six pack for the first few days in Ibiza. That’s never been me, but there has always been a pull to the gym. Always been a pull to strength training. Always a pull towards wanting or needing to be strong and “look strong”

I’ve always been confused around whether being big and strong is something I want or need. Do I feel like I need to be in there to be externally validated? Or do I actually want to be in there?

Subscribe now

This wavering is why the majority of my gym sessions for the last 10 years have been ineffective. Mostly me strolling around the gym floor purposeless wondering when I could justify stretching or going into the sauna. It’s only when I had a buddy to go to the gym with that I really enjoyed it and saw progress.

In the last 5 years I’ve mostly been into running or trail running. As a result I’ve been pretty slim, weighing about 75-77kg with not a lot of muscle on my upper body to show for my many miles down the canal or on the trails. 9hrs of running/walking across 33 miles and 13 summits of the Isle of Man last year didn’t exactly amount to a muscular physique.

Since becoming a dad time is more precious and justifying a 3hr training run, or 2 hour Padel session is harder. That’s why I signed up to a PT called Ambition. Even that name made me smile. Mantras of Ambition, or Hustle or Grind don’t resonate like they used to.

Even so, something drew me there. The practicalities of a high quality work out in 45 or 60 minutes. And, something about Ambition itself too.

I can’t say I’ve loved it. I’ve found it rewarding and my body has changed. Despite wanting to lose some of Dad weight i’ve acquired, I’ve actually gained muscle mass. I put my old wedding suit on this weekend and was popping out of it. My shoulders are broader, my chest, glutes, legs, arms and shoulders are all visibly bigger. The numbers don’t lie since I’m tracking them - I’m bigger and I’m stronger. I’m almost 5kg heavier.

You might expect the punchline to this to be that I feel no different. That my size has no bearing on how much of a man I am. It’s not true for me though. Truthfully and I almost hate I’m saying this. I feel more of a man.

I’m not saying my size or strength makes me more of a man by anyone’s arbitrary measurements of what a man is or isn’t, but undeniably, in my body - I currently feel more like a man.

I imagine, this is personal to me. That every man has a unique relationship with their body and every man will come to their own conclusions as to what makes them feel “good”. That’s what I’m saying really - I feel good. I feel like I have more presence. I feel more centred, more aligned, more solid, more resilient.

I’m not using this writing to make any claims or present any blueprints. That’s where we constantly go wrong with men and masculinity in my opinion. We constantly try to control what a man should be. I’m just saying this is my experience. I’m bigger and I’m stronger and I feel good - I feel like a man in my body. This is my experience, I’m not trying to impose it on anyone else.

I could reflect on why. Why I enjoy looking bigger? Why I enjoy being stronger? Is it so that I can defend myself, protect myself, protect my family? Is it so that I’ll be looked at differently by others for the size of my arms? Is it that I might be more attractive?

At 24 I had no idea why I wanted to be bigger and stronger. At 34 I still feel equally a bit confused by it. What I do know is that I intrinsically feel good and that means more than everything else to be honest. I simply feel good in my body. I like the way I feel. I feel powerful in my body and I like that. I also like the progression, I can see and feel growth. Plus, I made a commitment to a PT - to go two or three times a week - to show up and I have done that. Following through on this commitment and investment in myself also makes me feel like a man.

Your size does not reflect who you are as a man. There is no blueprint for what a man should look like, as much as instagram or the media would like to make us believe there is. The days of men needing to look like King Leonidas from 300 are over (it was all CGI anyway). Men come in all different shapes and sizes and I believe as men we all need to go on our own personal journey to be happy and comfortable in our bodies. It’s this journey and this commitment to ourselves that truly matters.

I’d love to know what you think

Leave a comment

I’d consider it a big part of my personality.

I’m in a WhatsApp group with other men that’s purely about games. I check the latest gaming news at least once a week. I mark dates in my calendar for when pre-orders are open for games I’m looking forward to.

More than that, I feel a bit “off” if a full week passes where I haven’t had a chance to game.

Not all the time - like if I’m on holiday, it’s not that big a deal.

But if I’m at home, otherwise in my usual routine, and I haven’t managed to get time in to game, it’s usually a sign I’ve been too busy, and it also means I’ve missed doing something I enjoy.

I write this with the caveat that I’m not a parent, and I completely understand how that can make finding time for this more challenging!

But the point is, it’s a big part of my life.

I used to be a bit embarrassed about that, but now I talk about it proudly.

What really pisses me off is when I see these nonsense videos doing the rounds about how a grown man who plays video games is “undateable” and “unattractive”.

Read more

Two years ago, we lost a baby and there was no specific support for dads through their journey with grief. A group of dads in our area teamed with up with the hospital and the local football team Port Vale FC to create something for these men.

Since inception it’s been a major success. Meetings are well attended. Matches are over-subscribed with dads desperate to play. The Whatsapp group is popping with support. Friendships have been made. Men, no doubt, have had their lives changed for the better. We’ve even received global press for our initiative, the lads were interviewed on This Morning in the UK and our story was picked up in America too.

I’ve learned a lot being part of setting this up. I’ve learned a lot about what works for men and men’s mental health. I believe the DNA of Forget-me-Knot FC is a blueprint that can be used to support men across the board.

Build it and they will come.

Firstly, if we say we want to support men. Then why not create support for men? It’s honestly that simple. Men deserve bespoke and tailored communities and spaces. If we create them, men will feel comfortable there and join them.

For example, we say we have a problem in society with young men. Ok then, let’s create support specifically for them. I have no doubt we have people smart enough to do so. There just hasn’t been the will. If young men are “disengaged” then it’s our responsibility to think creatively to engage them.

This willingness is where it begins. With Forget-me-Knot FC, we all had the desire to support men who had lost a baby. We’ve done many things well, but in the very first instance simply doing something specifically for men makes them feel seen, heard and understood.

More learnings:

• Format. It’s simple. Meet at 6.30. Talk about your personal highs and lows for an hour. Play 5 a-side football for an hour. It’s the same format every time.

• Purpose. There’s a shared purpose in coming together. Yet there’s a dual purpose in actually playing football matches too.

• The Football. Football for lots of men isn’t just a sport, it’s a language. It’s a culture. This creates bonds, creates connection, creates common interest and creates a lot of safety.

• Price. It’s free. Means the space is totally accessible to everyone. In my experience men are typically price sensitive and conservative on spending money on themselves.

• Belonging. Because it’s a club it means men belong to something, they are part of a tribe. This really matters. Any shame in how you are feeling is taken away by being part of something public.

This mix of ingredients works. Men in Sheds is a popular, real world example. Man vs Fat is another example of a successful community for men’s health, using football as the platform. You could have a running club for men recovering from addiction (One More Run). A walking club for gamblers (Gamblers to Ramblers). The list can go on.

The myth that men can’t talk and won’t talk about their feelings or experiences is total rubbish. I’ve seen a group of men from Stoke in a sports hall in Burslem on a Monday night talk about their mental health with as much eloquence as I have any group of people in 10 years of being involved in the mental health space.

Leave a comment

Share

Forget-me-Knot FC is just one example of a successful community for men. This club helps men and will continue to do. Honestly, it hasn’t been that hard to set it up - all you need is the right intention.

This mix of ingredients is there for us all. There are no excuses not to create dedicated support for men if you say you want to - here’s the blueprint. Here is the inspiration.

I promise you, build it for men and men will show up. Men are thirsty for community, connection and safe spaces where they feel like they belong. If we say we want to support men, let’s do it.

Subscribe now

I was honoured to have been asked to fill one of the segments and give a talk on my story, what led me to writing my book, and why so many men struggle to ask for help.

I’ve got to be honest, I was absolutely bricking it, for a few reasons.

One was more personal - simply that I hadn’t done any real public speaking in years, pre-COVID. I’ve done a couple of best man speeches since, but I had the safety blanket of notes in front of me and a couple of beers down me for those 😂

I think is something many people can relate to, as anxiety seems to have risen since COVID. All that time locked in doors, constantly being told the outside world wasn’t safe, and moving our work from in-person to screens…it’s definitely made me feel a little more anxious in social situations. Not in a debilitating way, but I’ve just noticed I’m more conscious of what I say and do these days.

So there was that.

But then there was also the nature of what I was bringing.

“Why do so many men struggle to ask for help?”

When I’m asked this question, I have no problem answering it.

But again, I’m conscious of how it lands. It’s a big question to answer. Particularly when there are men who, whether through ego, ignorance or disagreement, take any answer to this question to be a bit of a criticism to a way of life they’ve always known.

To say that men struggle to ask for help is to admit that they need to ask for it in the first place.

And a lot of men don’t like the idea of that.

So whenever I write a LinkedIn post, do a podcast, or go to an event, I always wonder what percentage of the room will read or listen to me and think “what a load of old nonsense.”

And then finally, it was the nature of the crowd.

The police.

And the Specialist Crimes unit at that.

These are people who are dealing with some of the toughest, hardest things every single day, exposed regularly to so much first and second degree trauma.

One of the stats that stuck with me from the day was that while civilians may be exposed to around 2-4 traumas in their lifetime, a police officer may be exposed to as many as 600.

It shows the weight of what they have to carry.

So I wondered whether what I was bringing was enough.

Little old me getting up there talking about a time I struggled with my mental health.

Of course, looking at this objectively, I know it’s important. But the worry was there.

I walked up to the stage to clapping, grabbed hold of the microphone and bloody hell, my hand was shaking like a cat on a hot tin roof. But I knew that was more just the body doing its thing, because once I started talking, the words flowed out no problem.

I talked about my story and how I almost took my own life.

Why we need to have better conversations on things like hair loss and erectile dysfunction.

And why an outdated version of masculinity is stopping so many men from talking.

The response after was amazing. Smiles, claps, hugs, even some tears. Darren Stokes - the legend who organised the event - had very kindly nabbed a copy of my book for everyone in the audience, and it was so nice to have a queue of people wanting to talk about it and get it signed, after we took this wicked photo below.

I think I left and smiled the whole way home.

It reminded me of what I wish my anxiety could have known before I’d entered that room - it doesn’t matter what uniform people wear, or what walk of life people are from…these are messages that we all need to hear.

Men are struggling. Men want to open up more. Men want to have better conversations about men.

They’re often just looking for someone to start them.

Thank you so much to the Met Police for having me, it was unreal, and lit a new fire in his space for me.

More to come!

George x

Leave a comment

1. We still have to go deeper as men on the topics under the surface

2. We need bravery and courage for this journey

3. I see so much unexpressed potential in men

The truth is that I am scared to write more, and to write more personally about my experiences as a man and around masculinity in general. What I have written so far has been pretty safe if I’m honest. I’m not saying our writing so far has not been valuable. It has, but truthfully. We have to go deeper.

Yes, I’ve been to therapy. Yes, I’ve experienced coaching. Yes, I’ve “opened up”. But, apply the lens of masculinity fully to my own life. To really investigate and look at myself as a man. Have I done that? I’ve read Iron John. I’ve followed a bit of writing about men. I get feminism. I’ve let the mirror of misogyny and the #metoo movement be held up to me and I’ve taken a long hard look. But how deep have I really gone? I’m still in the shallows.

Even in allowing myself to write this I’m finding the real reasons and the deeper topics that I’m avoiding.

When I think about going deeper. Going deeper into my experience as a man, as a lad, as a boy. Topics come up, relationships come up and the thoughts of opening those boxes scare me a bit. I feel the fear of not conforming as a man. I feel the fear of potential conflict or confrontation. I feel the fear of not belonging to men.

The list of this unexplored world begins for me with fatherhood. Dads. My relationship with my dad. His relationship with his. Dads in general. All of our relationships with all of our dads. Isn’t this paternal relationship THE defining aspect of masculinity? Aren’t our paternal bonds THE NUMBER ONE topic when it comes to this work?

I’m no expert, but they must be. They have to be. Do I want to go there, do I want to take us there? I know I probably must, but I’m scared to, because I know that actually. Actually wow, this is a deep deep topic that is so close to all of our hearts.

If the world were to heal our collective paternal wounds, I’m sure the world for men and boys would transform.

Share

Now, let’s layer in some more of these topics in the world of men that stare me in the face when I consider really and truly going deep-sea diving.

Friendship and fraternal bonds. Dare I question male friendships? Especially when I feel so much love, respect and loyalty to the friends I personally have. But also, haven’t I many times felt lonely? How many male mates can I call? Do I call? Do I see regularly? Do I really want to open up this box and actually stare at the state of my own male friendships, do I really want to take us there? To call this out too?

On a personal level asking this question, I’ll admit scares me. I’m not sure I want to see what I might uncover. I’m not sure i’m ready to admit the loneliness, the lack of connection and the yearning for belonging. This is confusing territory for me and so many men.

I’m diving now and I can see these two great blue whales; fatherhood, friendships and what else?

No doubt sex is in there too. Paternal and fraternal bonds might be the core shaper of male lives and our outlook on masculinity. Is sex not one of the core drivers? Desire. Urges. Repressed or expressed? Has anyone really uncovered this or does this topic remain an incognito tab or a VPN to watch porn?

Still, to me, sex remains the ultimate elephant in the room topic that is always encircling the lives of men. Are you having it? How much are you having it? Who with? How often? What type? When?

Now, as we keep diving in these murky waters of the male psyche we can’t avoid male opinions, thoughts and feelings towards women. Fuelled by sex, shaped by the relationship with your Mum and lived out in your day-to-day existence at work, at home and probably in the reels on social media.

Nothing too deep then. Just sex, dads, your mum, women and mates. In my whole body, I know that these are truly the topics men need to discuss, to know about, to be listened to on, to uncover within ourselves. I know this and I’m scared to put my snorkel on. Scared to go there myself.

These topics aren’t the elephant in the room. They’re not even that obvious. They are lurking in the shadows each and every day. They’re like ghosts that dance around men in their day-to-day lives. Silent puppet masters dictating male culture, male actions, and male behaviour.

• When did you last talk to a mate about your dad?

• When did you last watch porn, and do you wonder why?

• How many mates do you see and speak to regularly?

I know we have to go there. I know I have to go there and I sense my role might even be to take us there. I just don’t know how. Maybe writing about it is enough. Maybe publishing a story about it all will kick-start something.

Subscribe now

Why? Why does that matter? Why does this matter to me?

This ultimately is the question that has been chasing me around. Why do you care James?

My head and eyes tell me it’s because the world is getting f*cked mostly by men in power. My heart tells me it is because I see so much unexpressed potential in men and I have seen it all my life. Men lacking in confidence. Men trapped in boxes. Men scared to takes risks. Men conforming to group think. It’s been the story of my life to witness this and feel saddened by it. So many moments of missed connection. So much love and affection unnoticed or unshared.

The world needs the emergence of the healthy masculine. The world needs healthy men. The world needs strong men. Good men. Honest men. The world needs an update on male operating culture. When I look around, I see loads of amazing men as passive bystanders in thier lives, looking down at the floor hoping that things could be a bit different for them and everyone, but not taking a step forwards.

What do you see? And why are you here? Why do we need this movement? What aren’t we talking about? Where do we need to go?

Leave a comment

I’d love to hear from you.

James x

Turning 30 is a rite of passage,

but it’s one that many of us miss.

I turned 30 during COVID and it passed me by without much fanfare. I got together with a few mates, and Sarah made a fuss. But, nothing to see here, no big deal. 30!? Who cares! I still feel 25.

At the ripened age of 34 with a house, marriage and a baby I look back and see this time a little differently now. I look back at this 30 year old version of me and I see the beginnings of transition and confusion. One I wish now I had more guidance in.

I was changing, I was saying goodbye to my twenties and I was becoming ready for more purpose and responsibility. I just didn’t know it.

Looking back, I realise now. I needed something. I needed some space, some moment to take it all in. To really acknowledge how far I’d come. I needed to say goodbye to the years in Ibiza, the nights out drinking with my mates, the one-night stands, insecurity and self-doubt. They’re gone. They’re over. That part of me is… dead.

Yet it didn’t happen. I didn’t do that. I said goodbye to many of those things practically. All of them actually. But I didn’t say goodbye to that part of me. That twenty-year-old who valued freedom and travel and avoided responsibility. He stayed trapped in there, wondering…

I didn’t step back ,take a breather and just say “wow that was a lot that happened in 10 years”. I started here at 20 and I’m here at 30. I didn’t pop a cork to celebrate how far I’d come, not just practically, but emotionally. I was so insecure at 20, I had so much ego, so much doubt and fear. I didn’t have that at 30. That deserved a glass of champagne or a solo pilgrimage to take it all in.

I see this in men all the time. They’re 35 or 40, but they’re feeling 25. That youngster is still in them, hungry or thirsty for something. It comes out in different ways. Maybe it’s avoiding settling down. Maybe it’s clinging onto youth. Maybe it’s flicking on an ex’s IG page. Maybe it’s the attitude. Maybe, they haven’t truly appreciated how much they have changed. They’re still a teenager in a suit with an important job. It’s so close, they just need that moment to recognise how far they’ve come, but they don’t take it.

I kept telling myself that age was irrelevant. And we all do now, because Bryan Johnson is telling us we can look 45 when we’re 80. But no amount of collagen and peptides can stop the passing of time. No amount of teeth whitening or hair transplants can revert the spinning of the earth over 30 years. We might be able to slow down the physical signs of aging, but we shouldn’t try to stop the emotional maturing that time on this planet gives us.

I really believe all men would do well to wave goodbye to their twenties well and truly. Whatever that means to you. Say goodbye to who you were in your twenties and all the stuff you’re never going to do again. For me, I said goodbye to getting blackout drunk (I actually did that at 25), and being full of fear and insecurity. What I wanted to say goodbye to as well was freedom. I was ready to welcome in responsibility and purpose - I just didn’t know it. It was only at 33 when I said goodbye to the restless “freedom” of my twenties. I’m ready for something else now, thanks.

I don’t want to see more men trapped in their youth when they’re 40. Looking like Wayne Lineker but feeling sad inside. Being accomplished, successful, and significant on the outside, but feeling insecure on the inside. Becoming a man is about making choices, about letting go, about stepping forth.

By saying goodbye or taking a moment to see who we have become - we can all grow.

We’d all do well to let go of our twenties.

Arguably the biggest news story about men in the last few weeks is Louis Theroux’s new documentary, taking a peek behind the curtain of the manosphere.

There is a very live (and very fair) discussion around just how useful or positive a thing this documentary is - which James covered here last week, so I won’t rehash that one.

Whatever your view on it, I believe there are some positives that have come from it that spell good news for men.

I believe that if we look at this from an unsentimental lens and focus not on the output, but on the reasons the documentary existed in the first place, then we can perhaps feel confident that change is around the corner.

The first step in tackling any challenge or problem is accepting that we have one. That step alone can sometimes take decades. Once we realise we have a problem, it then becomes a question of “do we want to give any energy to solving this thing?”. That step can also take a long time.

The step after? That’s where resolution normally sits (even if it’s messy, convoluted journey to get there).

I think we’re seeing the conversation on masculinity progressing in the direction we need it to. We’re aware we have a problem. We’re starting to give it attention. Now we begin to work on solutions.

Roll back the clock maybe even just a couple of years, and you’d have been laughed out the Netflix boardroom for suggesting they should headline a documentary on “men’s stuff”.

This is a start. Now let’s turn this into some real action.

2/ Free prostate cancer screening programme

Sir Chris Hoy, who has sadly been diagnosed with terminal prostate cancer, has launched a free screening programme for 25,000 men in Scotland. Obviously this story has come off the back of terribly sad news, but I have an untold amount of respect for Chris for using it to try and enact some positive change.

More broadly, many men are leaving things too late before they go to get them checked. Early detection can save lives. A much-needed programme, and we hope to see it broaden out to many other areas of health.

3/ Comedy being trialled as a treatment for mental health issues

Stand-up comedy is being trialled as an alternative treatment for depression, both to relieve pressure on the NHS, as well as giving us a chance to explore other types of treatments.

Of course, a disclaimer needs to go in here that this won’t work for everyone, and for more serious or acute cases, likely isn’t the answer. But it’s fantastic to see this approach being looked at.

This isn’t only for men or about men, but we know that many men are resistant to typical talking therapies, and so this presents another option which might be something they feel more comfortable engaging with.

4/ Attendance at men’s support groups is rising

A survey of 30 men’s wellbeing groups in Wales has found that more than 80% have reported rising attendance. Perfect. We don’t need to say much more to add to this - the good news story here is self-evident!

A snapshot there of some of the biggest stories happening around masculinity in the last few weeks.

What have you seen that we missed?

Let us know in the comments.

George and James x

Leave a comment

So much so it’s taken me two weeks to write something about it, because honestly - there’s not much to say about the documentary itself.

For me, it was a bit of an eye-roll. “Seen it all before mate” Literally seen it all before Louis, I had to spend months blocking and saying “not interested” on Instagram reels to get these idiots off my social media feeds after falling down a manosphere rabbit hole two years ago.

What was most telling for me was watching it with my wife, Sarah, who had never heard or come across any of these online personas before. She was disgusted and angry. Underlying all that, fear too. These men with these views are why many men feel like they can do or say what they want to women. Their worldview is, mostly, that women are subordinate to men, property.

On the other hand, it always shocks me how little women seem to know about the world of men. What men consume on social media, what men think. The gap is so vast. How many women would know the extent of male porn consumption, or what is said in the majority of male WhatsApp groups? I don’t think most women know the half or even quarter of it, to be honest.

My eyes were rolling though because of a few things.

1. I already know who these men are and already know that they are simply opportunists at best, crooks at worst

2. The blanket assumption that these influencers are idiots and everything they say is stupid is just as dangerous as they are. We have to understand why their message has appeal

3. The stories of their followers are much more important than the stories of the few that have carved out an online business selling courses to men

My take is this.

The personalities of the manospehere are uninteresting and tired now. Literally who cares about Andrew Tate and his lookalikes. They are pimps, criminals and caricatures that sell courses. Some version of these people will always exist. They are the head of an ugly spot. We need to go one or two steps deeper and reflect on why their message is compelling and understand the real needs of the young men who are looking up to these people.

On some level, their message is appealing and also true. Work hard, make money, get fit, get laid. There’s nothing inherently bad about speaking to these desires in men. These are primal desires that there is absolutely nothing shameful about. Purpose, growth, connection, significance, belonging, love. It’s how they tell people to achieve this that is the real problem.

The “girlfriend” of the fresh and fit podcast guy. The two followers of Jordan what’s-his-name in Miami. Can we hear more about these people, please? The followers, the worshippers. The women who feel like they have to accept a life with these muppets? The men who are depressed, insecure and vulnerable enough to believe that putting your hand in a diamond shape will get you somewhere? Let’s hear about that, because that is the real problem.

Male loneliness, men’s mental health, the state of the economy, and domestic abuse. All with an undercurrent of self-esteem, self-worth and purpose. A documentary on these topics would be fantastic next please, Louis.

Somehow, when it comes to men, we keep missing the point. We keep reverting to blame. It’s like we want to constantly put a man behind bars and end “toxic masculinity” forever. It’s as stupid as most of HS Tikky Tokky’s views on everything.

It’s so easy to blame. It’s easy for men to blame other men and it’s easy for women to pick a villain and blame him. Trump, Musk, Epstein, Tate - the list can go on and we can keep cycling through them all if want, but we’ll get nowhere.

Do you know what’s harder to do? Take accountability. Take a look into your own life. Get out of the matrix and actually into the real world of your family, your community, your relationship, your friendship group and take a good look at the men directly there.

What you’ll find is a dearth of positive male role models. What you’ll find is a lot of lonely men. What you’ll find is a lot of men struggling with their mental health. What you’ll find is a lot of boys growing up without dads at home. What you’ll actually see is a world that is pretty harsh for a lot of men and when you stare it in the face it’s quite ugly to look at. Because when you stare at it, it’s confusing, because aren’t men supposed to be the patriarchy? Aren’t men the ones who have it great all the time?

When you really look closely at men, beyond the manosphere and into the real world of men. There’s a lot of suffering, a lot of pain, a lot of shame, a lot of hopelessness and a lot of darkness. There are a lot of lost young men without a dad to look up to or a man who’s there for them to show them the way. This is what as a society I am convinced we are avoiding shining a light on.

When we do, then we’ll hit the bullseye.

Leave a comment

These are my observations and experiences, not sacraments. All are optional yet I believe all give us the opportunity for change.

I’m sharing this writing for free. If our writing is meaningful to you, please support our writing for the price of one beer per month (£6.92 is the average price of a Neck Oil in LDN)

Subscribe now

Much of the narrative pushed to men is on the premise of freedom. Stay single, be financially free, don’t get a mortgage, don’t buy a house. Rent a ferrari, get an expensive watch and six pack instead. Be a lone wolf.

I don’t think I owned anything meaningful until I was in my late twenties. Rented flats that came with cutlery, cheap black t-shirts to spill beer down and an iphone I traded in every couple of years.

It wasn’t until I was about 27/28 when I first bought a plant. I’m not joking, this was the first thing I believe I actually owned.

As you can tell, when I talk about ownership I mean more than the practical exhange of owning something. I owned a phone, laptop and a couple of suitcases full of possessions. Truthfully though, for the first 25 years of my life if I lost everything I owned in a fire - it really wouldn’t have been a big deal for me.

What I’m saying is, I didn’t truly own anything I cared about, or cared for. This freedom was liberating for a time and I don’t regret it. Yet there came a moment that ownership would mean responsibilty and taking on responsibility is an important step for emotional development and maturity.

I believe ownership is a really important passage for men.

Owning something, caring for it and taking responsibility of it. You develop a connection to something, but deeper you develop a connection to that part of yourself that does want to care for, provide and have some responsibility for another.

It could be as small as a plant. It’s a start. This plant has been with me for nearly 10 years. I recall me and Sarah buying it. I’ve watered it, sprayed it, chopped off it’s leaves. A new pot too I think. It was one of the first things I ever bought that had some level of permanence to it. That mattered to me, and still does. I could have stayed stuck in freedom, but I was free to go everywhere and nowhere. Ownership helps you pick a course and stick to it. Ownership gives you purpose and moves you forward.

Then, there’s of course a dog. I don’t have a dog, but how many people do you know who got a dog and it made their life better? Loads. Taking on a dependent who is totally reliant on you can be transformrative.

I really felt the transformative power of ownership when I bought a house. I really didn’t know I needed to cross this threshold in my life, but I did. Having the keys and owning my own home mattered to me on many levels.

• Taking on the responsibility of a mortgage is a commitment and I enjoy this commitment. I actually like that I have taken on the risk of having to pay something back. Without this, I wouldn’t be anchored or grounded.

• Actually owning a property brought out a pride in me. When I rented flats I never really felt the desire to deep clean the bathroom to be honest. Yet when it was my floor, my skirting boards and my toilet - I felt more compelled to.

• Ownership is a version of self-care. I walked into my shed the other day that I tidied last year (but it does need some work) and I thought “you could tell a lot about someone by the state of their shed”. You can tell a lot about someone by the state of their home. Look after your environment and you look after yourself.

As an example to all of this. I love sweeping up outside. We paid £6,000 for that new patio, I won’t see some leaves decay on it and make it green. Or if they do, I’ll get it jetwashed (which I need to after all this rain!). I have never ever swept up outside and not felt better for it. Every single time I look after my house, I feel that in some way I have looked after myself.

Not everyone can or wants to buy a house. But it doesn’t mean you can’t own and care for something. It could be a plant, a car, a dog.

Ownership matters, because responsibility matters.

Can you be a man without responsibilty? Can you be an adult without responsibility? I’m not sure.

A big part of a growth journey as a man is understanding consequences, taking leadership of your own life. If you don’t water a plant, it dies. If you don’t clean the bathroom it looks rank. If you don’t take your dog for a walk they bark too much.

Ownership really matters and I believe taking yourself on a journey to owning something is a genuine rite of passage for men.

House-buying is the biggest and most socially accepted norm and route. Whilst lots of self-development or financial freedom podcasts will tell you not to bother owning your own home, I think they miss the point. Yes you might make more money in the S&P 500 but I believe owning and caring for your own home matters on some fundamentally primitive level. Picking your own wallpaper, keeping your own space clean, tidy and dignified has huge emotional and psychological benefits to your growth as a man.

I don’t care what you own. I don’t care if you own a Ferrari, or a Rolex, or how many bedrooms your house has. I care about men taking ownership for something in their life. Whatever that is.

Ownership is another rite of passage for men.

Let me know what you think in the comments below. Has ownership been a rite of passage for you?

Cheers,
James

It was also one of the most daunting.

Particularly as a man.

The concept of talking…about my feelings…with a stranger? Absolutely no thank you.

When I was really struggling, it was the thing that ultimately helped to pull me out of that funk.

But it took a long, long time for me to get to the point of accepting that I wanted to go.

Somebody suggested it to me as a potential course of action, and I reacted with anger - anger that they’d even think I needed “that” kind of help.

But then the idea was planted, and I stewed on it for another couple of months before coming round to the idea.

Therapy isn’t for everyone, and it’s also not the only tool available to people who are looking to work on themselves.

But if it’s something that you’re thinking about exploring, these are 6 lessons I’ve taken from going through therapy, specifically as a man.

The rest of this article is one of the monthly paid pieces for JACK subscribers, we’d love it if you’d consider upgrading, or you can redeem your free article token to unlock this article.

Read more

I know when I was at my lowest, that was certainly at play.

If I were to pie chart what my struggle looked like, there was a lot going on:

• There was the struggle itself

• Then there was the fact I was a bloke, and was shaming myself for struggling in the first place

• And then there was this feeling of being broken, of feeling like I was unfixable and was going to be stuck this way forever

• The final slice of that pie is that I, of course, wasn’t talking about what was going for me - because I told myself that’s not what men do!

You can see why this particular pie wasn’t made up of the healthiest ingredients.

I was convinced this was my lot in life. It’s the main reason I found myself caught up in the throes of suicidal ideation.

And then I learnt about this thing called “neuroplasticity”. A fairly fun-sounding word, it became a linchpin for my recovery. In simple terms, it’s the ability of the brain to change and adapt. It can physically rewire itself and create new neural pathways.

That thought you keep having over and over again? Or that habit you can’t seem to drop? It can change. It’s one of the central tenets of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), which is that you can change your thinking to change your behaviour, and vice versa, to ultimately change how you feel.

Imagine you live near a beach and you go down there every single day. Everyone always walks the same path along the beach to the sea, so much so that the sand has been crushed down and a thick path has been created. What do new people do? They follow the same path.

This is what your thoughts will do; go down the path most trodden. But you can create new paths and walk a different path down that beach. It’ll be a light path at first, but gradually that one will become thicker and thicker and wind will cover the old one. Your brain isn’t a fixed circuit board, it’s more like clay, ready to be moulded. This is what you can do with your thoughts.

Things can change. Your brain can change. Your sense of masculinity can change. Where you are now doesn’t have to be where you are in a year from now, if you don’t want it to be. It’s not always easy, but it is possible.

As research for my book, I spoke with a burnout and stress coach, who also tells me that the other side to neuroplasticity is empowering ourselves with personal agency to change and avoiding getting into what she calls a “victim mindset”. Once we place ourselves into this mindset, we essentially lose all of our agency for change.

She said, “it might be a crap pill to swallow, but it’s also one of the most empowering things we can do, to say ‘I do have accountability and responsibility over this’. Going into a victim mindset is actually an easy thing to do, because you don’t have to do anything about it. You don’t have to find the energy, resources or solutions. The harder option is choosing not to be a victim.”

None of this is to dismiss the severity of things that people go through, and the emotions that come with them. We’re allowed to feel the things that we do, and changing mindsets isn’t as easy as simply flicking a light switch. Life can be hard as hell sometimes, and it’s okay to struggle.

But for many experiences in life, we are presented with a fork in the road, where we can’t choose what happens to us, but we can choose how we respond to it. Katie continued ”The self-fulling prophecy is rooted in science; if you believe you’re a victim and you can’t do anything about it, then you’re telling your brain that’s what you believe. And then your brain will give you back all the information to reinforce that belief. And then that reinforces your actions, habits and behaviours.”

On a more societal level, Katie believes this victim mindset has led to the rise of the manosphere and incels, which is a term used to describe mostly male, heterosexual groups who claim they’re unable to find a sexual partner, and so blame and shame women and girls as a result. Katie said, “while many may be struggling with loneliness or rejection, their mindset can become dangerous and weaponised. And then you have toxic influencers who prey on this mindset, convincing people that you can escape through violence and oppression.”

One of the worst (and best) things about being human is that nothing is set in stone. Healing is rarely ever linear, and we have ups and downs.

But just because you have a particular thought or belief now, doesn’t mean it always has to be so.

A brain that has been taught emotional suppression can unlearn this and relearn emotional expression instead.

Some of these unhelpful societal beliefs which act more like handcuffs than aids can be worked back, and we can change our relationship to our emotions, our bodies, ourselves.

Sometimes all it starts with is curiosity.

A journaling question:

What’s one belief you have about yourself which feels worn into your brain like an old path? What might a new path look like? Try to walk it at least once a day.

Let us know what you thought of this!

George and James x

Leave a comment