Or worse, it’s treated less like a potato, more like a grenade. As though the thing itself is so dangerous and explosive that it contains nothing but harm.

But we’re talking about a group of people here who represent 50% of the global population, over 4 billion people.

And there are plenty of stats that speak for themselves around men’s health on why we must do more for men.

So why are we so resistant to this topic?

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I told him about working in the mental health space and writing a book on masculinity.

He didn’t say anything after, and the silence felt heavy - I wasn’t sure what he was thinking!

Then I saw the welling up in his eyes.

He looked away from me, and said, “therapy saved my life ten years ago.”

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For context, it’s a club involving my dad’s mates, so there was a link there as to why they’d chosen it.

But it was still something I was really grateful to be a part of, and it was nice to see the club in action.

This is a group of men in their late 60s who get together once a month to discuss the latest agreed book. The sessions always happen in the pub, so they did confess that often the club ends up being about 20% on the book, 80% on just a general catchup over a pint, but that doesn’t really matter.

The club was born out of another activity they do together: walking football.

The majority of the group, my dad included, have been friends since primary school - about 50 years!

Listening to them talk, and the ease and regularity with which they get together, left me with a feeling of wondering how we’ve managed to move so far away from that in this day and age.

It feels like we really have to fight for connection these days. We’re constantly up against multiple WhatsApp threads, algorithms which seem to have our worst interests at heart, an endless supply of “sorry it’s taken me a while to come back to you” messages.

Granted, the majority of the group I was with are retired, so that obviously helps. They have kids, but they’re well over 18, many of them out of the family home. But even years ago, long before retirement, they still organised an annual lads trip somewhere in the UK. I just felt the ease with which they made sure seeing each other was baked into their everyday routine.

It was also nice for me that they’d chosen my book for the group, but I wondered how it would land. This was a generation of men who aren’t the target market for the book, and are the generation where this conversation around men’s mental health simply never existed.

I felt some of that resistance as we discussed the book. Not in a hyper critical way, but in a way that highlighted how different my message is to the one they were brought up with. But they listened, they asked good questions, and they offered their own perspective.

One of the men commented on how they do regularly see each other, but probably aren’t a group that has ever been very good at discussing the deeper stuff. There was a level of self-reflection and awareness there that made me think they would be okay talking about this stuff, but perhaps the rules of their generation had stopped them from ever doing it.

While I obviously believe it’s important that this deeper level of connection is baked into our friendship groups, I could also sense how much they filled up each other’s cups simply through their regular meetups, different activities and questionable dad jokes.

Yes, we need to make changes to how we talk about male mental health and emotions. But half the battle can also start with just getting something in the diary.

These men, with their annual holidays, their weekly walking football sessions, and their monthly book club, reminded me that connection shouldn’t need to feel as hard as the 2020s have somehow made it.

George x

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Initially I really loved how empowering it was to see my body change and grow. I enjoyed getting stronger and I enjoyed filling out the arms on my t-shirts a bit more. Mostly, my relationship with “the gym” then felt healthy, although my intentions for being in there were never fully conscious. I was motivated by some desire somewhere to be “bigger” or be “stronger”. Some parts of this desire felt right - the growth, the progression, the genuine strength and fitness.

Other parts of this desire were from a stranger unknown place. A murkier desire to be “big” and how that would make me look better. Some competitive desire to be seen as strong amongst my mates. Some confusion around what women might want me to look like on instagram photos.

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I never went deeply down the rabbit hole of the gym and getting “big”. I know many lads who took some form of steroid or went on some crazy diet for a few months, all to have a six pack for the first few days in Ibiza. That’s never been me, but there has always been a pull to the gym. Always been a pull to strength training. Always a pull towards wanting or needing to be strong and “look strong”

I’ve always been confused around whether being big and strong is something I want or need. Do I feel like I need to be in there to be externally validated? Or do I actually want to be in there?

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This wavering is why the majority of my gym sessions for the last 10 years have been ineffective. Mostly me strolling around the gym floor purposeless wondering when I could justify stretching or going into the sauna. It’s only when I had a buddy to go to the gym with that I really enjoyed it and saw progress.

In the last 5 years I’ve mostly been into running or trail running. As a result I’ve been pretty slim, weighing about 75-77kg with not a lot of muscle on my upper body to show for my many miles down the canal or on the trails. 9hrs of running/walking across 33 miles and 13 summits of the Isle of Man last year didn’t exactly amount to a muscular physique.

Since becoming a dad time is more precious and justifying a 3hr training run, or 2 hour Padel session is harder. That’s why I signed up to a PT called Ambition. Even that name made me smile. Mantras of Ambition, or Hustle or Grind don’t resonate like they used to.

Even so, something drew me there. The practicalities of a high quality work out in 45 or 60 minutes. And, something about Ambition itself too.

I can’t say I’ve loved it. I’ve found it rewarding and my body has changed. Despite wanting to lose some of Dad weight i’ve acquired, I’ve actually gained muscle mass. I put my old wedding suit on this weekend and was popping out of it. My shoulders are broader, my chest, glutes, legs, arms and shoulders are all visibly bigger. The numbers don’t lie since I’m tracking them - I’m bigger and I’m stronger. I’m almost 5kg heavier.

You might expect the punchline to this to be that I feel no different. That my size has no bearing on how much of a man I am. It’s not true for me though. Truthfully and I almost hate I’m saying this. I feel more of a man.

I’m not saying my size or strength makes me more of a man by anyone’s arbitrary measurements of what a man is or isn’t, but undeniably, in my body - I currently feel more like a man.

I imagine, this is personal to me. That every man has a unique relationship with their body and every man will come to their own conclusions as to what makes them feel “good”. That’s what I’m saying really - I feel good. I feel like I have more presence. I feel more centred, more aligned, more solid, more resilient.

I’m not using this writing to make any claims or present any blueprints. That’s where we constantly go wrong with men and masculinity in my opinion. We constantly try to control what a man should be. I’m just saying this is my experience. I’m bigger and I’m stronger and I feel good - I feel like a man in my body. This is my experience, I’m not trying to impose it on anyone else.

I could reflect on why. Why I enjoy looking bigger? Why I enjoy being stronger? Is it so that I can defend myself, protect myself, protect my family? Is it so that I’ll be looked at differently by others for the size of my arms? Is it that I might be more attractive?

At 24 I had no idea why I wanted to be bigger and stronger. At 34 I still feel equally a bit confused by it. What I do know is that I intrinsically feel good and that means more than everything else to be honest. I simply feel good in my body. I like the way I feel. I feel powerful in my body and I like that. I also like the progression, I can see and feel growth. Plus, I made a commitment to a PT - to go two or three times a week - to show up and I have done that. Following through on this commitment and investment in myself also makes me feel like a man.

Your size does not reflect who you are as a man. There is no blueprint for what a man should look like, as much as instagram or the media would like to make us believe there is. The days of men needing to look like King Leonidas from 300 are over (it was all CGI anyway). Men come in all different shapes and sizes and I believe as men we all need to go on our own personal journey to be happy and comfortable in our bodies. It’s this journey and this commitment to ourselves that truly matters.

I’d love to know what you think

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I’d consider it a big part of my personality.

I’m in a WhatsApp group with other men that’s purely about games. I check the latest gaming news at least once a week. I mark dates in my calendar for when pre-orders are open for games I’m looking forward to.

More than that, I feel a bit “off” if a full week passes where I haven’t had a chance to game.

Not all the time - like if I’m on holiday, it’s not that big a deal.

But if I’m at home, otherwise in my usual routine, and I haven’t managed to get time in to game, it’s usually a sign I’ve been too busy, and it also means I’ve missed doing something I enjoy.

I write this with the caveat that I’m not a parent, and I completely understand how that can make finding time for this more challenging!

But the point is, it’s a big part of my life.

I used to be a bit embarrassed about that, but now I talk about it proudly.

What really pisses me off is when I see these nonsense videos doing the rounds about how a grown man who plays video games is “undateable” and “unattractive”.

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Two years ago, we lost a baby and there was no specific support for dads through their journey with grief. A group of dads in our area teamed with up with the hospital and the local football team Port Vale FC to create something for these men.

Since inception it’s been a major success. Meetings are well attended. Matches are over-subscribed with dads desperate to play. The Whatsapp group is popping with support. Friendships have been made. Men, no doubt, have had their lives changed for the better. We’ve even received global press for our initiative, the lads were interviewed on This Morning in the UK and our story was picked up in America too.

I’ve learned a lot being part of setting this up. I’ve learned a lot about what works for men and men’s mental health. I believe the DNA of Forget-me-Knot FC is a blueprint that can be used to support men across the board.

Build it and they will come.

Firstly, if we say we want to support men. Then why not create support for men? It’s honestly that simple. Men deserve bespoke and tailored communities and spaces. If we create them, men will feel comfortable there and join them.

For example, we say we have a problem in society with young men. Ok then, let’s create support specifically for them. I have no doubt we have people smart enough to do so. There just hasn’t been the will. If young men are “disengaged” then it’s our responsibility to think creatively to engage them.

This willingness is where it begins. With Forget-me-Knot FC, we all had the desire to support men who had lost a baby. We’ve done many things well, but in the very first instance simply doing something specifically for men makes them feel seen, heard and understood.

More learnings:

• Format. It’s simple. Meet at 6.30. Talk about your personal highs and lows for an hour. Play 5 a-side football for an hour. It’s the same format every time.

• Purpose. There’s a shared purpose in coming together. Yet there’s a dual purpose in actually playing football matches too.

• The Football. Football for lots of men isn’t just a sport, it’s a language. It’s a culture. This creates bonds, creates connection, creates common interest and creates a lot of safety.

• Price. It’s free. Means the space is totally accessible to everyone. In my experience men are typically price sensitive and conservative on spending money on themselves.

• Belonging. Because it’s a club it means men belong to something, they are part of a tribe. This really matters. Any shame in how you are feeling is taken away by being part of something public.

This mix of ingredients works. Men in Sheds is a popular, real world example. Man vs Fat is another example of a successful community for men’s health, using football as the platform. You could have a running club for men recovering from addiction (One More Run). A walking club for gamblers (Gamblers to Ramblers). The list can go on.

The myth that men can’t talk and won’t talk about their feelings or experiences is total rubbish. I’ve seen a group of men from Stoke in a sports hall in Burslem on a Monday night talk about their mental health with as much eloquence as I have any group of people in 10 years of being involved in the mental health space.

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Forget-me-Knot FC is just one example of a successful community for men. This club helps men and will continue to do. Honestly, it hasn’t been that hard to set it up - all you need is the right intention.

This mix of ingredients is there for us all. There are no excuses not to create dedicated support for men if you say you want to - here’s the blueprint. Here is the inspiration.

I promise you, build it for men and men will show up. Men are thirsty for community, connection and safe spaces where they feel like they belong. If we say we want to support men, let’s do it.

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I was honoured to have been asked to fill one of the segments and give a talk on my story, what led me to writing my book, and why so many men struggle to ask for help.

I’ve got to be honest, I was absolutely bricking it, for a few reasons.

One was more personal - simply that I hadn’t done any real public speaking in years, pre-COVID. I’ve done a couple of best man speeches since, but I had the safety blanket of notes in front of me and a couple of beers down me for those 😂

I think is something many people can relate to, as anxiety seems to have risen since COVID. All that time locked in doors, constantly being told the outside world wasn’t safe, and moving our work from in-person to screens…it’s definitely made me feel a little more anxious in social situations. Not in a debilitating way, but I’ve just noticed I’m more conscious of what I say and do these days.

So there was that.

But then there was also the nature of what I was bringing.

“Why do so many men struggle to ask for help?”

When I’m asked this question, I have no problem answering it.

But again, I’m conscious of how it lands. It’s a big question to answer. Particularly when there are men who, whether through ego, ignorance or disagreement, take any answer to this question to be a bit of a criticism to a way of life they’ve always known.

To say that men struggle to ask for help is to admit that they need to ask for it in the first place.

And a lot of men don’t like the idea of that.

So whenever I write a LinkedIn post, do a podcast, or go to an event, I always wonder what percentage of the room will read or listen to me and think “what a load of old nonsense.”

And then finally, it was the nature of the crowd.

The police.

And the Specialist Crimes unit at that.

These are people who are dealing with some of the toughest, hardest things every single day, exposed regularly to so much first and second degree trauma.

One of the stats that stuck with me from the day was that while civilians may be exposed to around 2-4 traumas in their lifetime, a police officer may be exposed to as many as 600.

It shows the weight of what they have to carry.

So I wondered whether what I was bringing was enough.

Little old me getting up there talking about a time I struggled with my mental health.

Of course, looking at this objectively, I know it’s important. But the worry was there.

I walked up to the stage to clapping, grabbed hold of the microphone and bloody hell, my hand was shaking like a cat on a hot tin roof. But I knew that was more just the body doing its thing, because once I started talking, the words flowed out no problem.

I talked about my story and how I almost took my own life.

Why we need to have better conversations on things like hair loss and erectile dysfunction.

And why an outdated version of masculinity is stopping so many men from talking.

The response after was amazing. Smiles, claps, hugs, even some tears. Darren Stokes - the legend who organised the event - had very kindly nabbed a copy of my book for everyone in the audience, and it was so nice to have a queue of people wanting to talk about it and get it signed, after we took this wicked photo below.

I think I left and smiled the whole way home.

It reminded me of what I wish my anxiety could have known before I’d entered that room - it doesn’t matter what uniform people wear, or what walk of life people are from…these are messages that we all need to hear.

Men are struggling. Men want to open up more. Men want to have better conversations about men.

They’re often just looking for someone to start them.

Thank you so much to the Met Police for having me, it was unreal, and lit a new fire in his space for me.

More to come!

George x

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1. We still have to go deeper as men on the topics under the surface

2. We need bravery and courage for this journey

3. I see so much unexpressed potential in men

The truth is that I am scared to write more, and to write more personally about my experiences as a man and around masculinity in general. What I have written so far has been pretty safe if I’m honest. I’m not saying our writing so far has not been valuable. It has, but truthfully. We have to go deeper.

Yes, I’ve been to therapy. Yes, I’ve experienced coaching. Yes, I’ve “opened up”. But, apply the lens of masculinity fully to my own life. To really investigate and look at myself as a man. Have I done that? I’ve read Iron John. I’ve followed a bit of writing about men. I get feminism. I’ve let the mirror of misogyny and the #metoo movement be held up to me and I’ve taken a long hard look. But how deep have I really gone? I’m still in the shallows.

Even in allowing myself to write this I’m finding the real reasons and the deeper topics that I’m avoiding.

When I think about going deeper. Going deeper into my experience as a man, as a lad, as a boy. Topics come up, relationships come up and the thoughts of opening those boxes scare me a bit. I feel the fear of not conforming as a man. I feel the fear of potential conflict or confrontation. I feel the fear of not belonging to men.

The list of this unexplored world begins for me with fatherhood. Dads. My relationship with my dad. His relationship with his. Dads in general. All of our relationships with all of our dads. Isn’t this paternal relationship THE defining aspect of masculinity? Aren’t our paternal bonds THE NUMBER ONE topic when it comes to this work?

I’m no expert, but they must be. They have to be. Do I want to go there, do I want to take us there? I know I probably must, but I’m scared to, because I know that actually. Actually wow, this is a deep deep topic that is so close to all of our hearts.

If the world were to heal our collective paternal wounds, I’m sure the world for men and boys would transform.

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Now, let’s layer in some more of these topics in the world of men that stare me in the face when I consider really and truly going deep-sea diving.

Friendship and fraternal bonds. Dare I question male friendships? Especially when I feel so much love, respect and loyalty to the friends I personally have. But also, haven’t I many times felt lonely? How many male mates can I call? Do I call? Do I see regularly? Do I really want to open up this box and actually stare at the state of my own male friendships, do I really want to take us there? To call this out too?

On a personal level asking this question, I’ll admit scares me. I’m not sure I want to see what I might uncover. I’m not sure i’m ready to admit the loneliness, the lack of connection and the yearning for belonging. This is confusing territory for me and so many men.

I’m diving now and I can see these two great blue whales; fatherhood, friendships and what else?

No doubt sex is in there too. Paternal and fraternal bonds might be the core shaper of male lives and our outlook on masculinity. Is sex not one of the core drivers? Desire. Urges. Repressed or expressed? Has anyone really uncovered this or does this topic remain an incognito tab or a VPN to watch porn?

Still, to me, sex remains the ultimate elephant in the room topic that is always encircling the lives of men. Are you having it? How much are you having it? Who with? How often? What type? When?

Now, as we keep diving in these murky waters of the male psyche we can’t avoid male opinions, thoughts and feelings towards women. Fuelled by sex, shaped by the relationship with your Mum and lived out in your day-to-day existence at work, at home and probably in the reels on social media.

Nothing too deep then. Just sex, dads, your mum, women and mates. In my whole body, I know that these are truly the topics men need to discuss, to know about, to be listened to on, to uncover within ourselves. I know this and I’m scared to put my snorkel on. Scared to go there myself.

These topics aren’t the elephant in the room. They’re not even that obvious. They are lurking in the shadows each and every day. They’re like ghosts that dance around men in their day-to-day lives. Silent puppet masters dictating male culture, male actions, and male behaviour.

• When did you last talk to a mate about your dad?

• When did you last watch porn, and do you wonder why?

• How many mates do you see and speak to regularly?

I know we have to go there. I know I have to go there and I sense my role might even be to take us there. I just don’t know how. Maybe writing about it is enough. Maybe publishing a story about it all will kick-start something.

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Why? Why does that matter? Why does this matter to me?

This ultimately is the question that has been chasing me around. Why do you care James?

My head and eyes tell me it’s because the world is getting f*cked mostly by men in power. My heart tells me it is because I see so much unexpressed potential in men and I have seen it all my life. Men lacking in confidence. Men trapped in boxes. Men scared to takes risks. Men conforming to group think. It’s been the story of my life to witness this and feel saddened by it. So many moments of missed connection. So much love and affection unnoticed or unshared.

The world needs the emergence of the healthy masculine. The world needs healthy men. The world needs strong men. Good men. Honest men. The world needs an update on male operating culture. When I look around, I see loads of amazing men as passive bystanders in thier lives, looking down at the floor hoping that things could be a bit different for them and everyone, but not taking a step forwards.

What do you see? And why are you here? Why do we need this movement? What aren’t we talking about? Where do we need to go?

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I’d love to hear from you.

James x

Turning 30 is a rite of passage,

but it’s one that many of us miss.

I turned 30 during COVID and it passed me by without much fanfare. I got together with a few mates, and Sarah made a fuss. But, nothing to see here, no big deal. 30!? Who cares! I still feel 25.

At the ripened age of 34 with a house, marriage and a baby I look back and see this time a little differently now. I look back at this 30 year old version of me and I see the beginnings of transition and confusion. One I wish now I had more guidance in.

I was changing, I was saying goodbye to my twenties and I was becoming ready for more purpose and responsibility. I just didn’t know it.

Looking back, I realise now. I needed something. I needed some space, some moment to take it all in. To really acknowledge how far I’d come. I needed to say goodbye to the years in Ibiza, the nights out drinking with my mates, the one-night stands, insecurity and self-doubt. They’re gone. They’re over. That part of me is… dead.

Yet it didn’t happen. I didn’t do that. I said goodbye to many of those things practically. All of them actually. But I didn’t say goodbye to that part of me. That twenty-year-old who valued freedom and travel and avoided responsibility. He stayed trapped in there, wondering…

I didn’t step back ,take a breather and just say “wow that was a lot that happened in 10 years”. I started here at 20 and I’m here at 30. I didn’t pop a cork to celebrate how far I’d come, not just practically, but emotionally. I was so insecure at 20, I had so much ego, so much doubt and fear. I didn’t have that at 30. That deserved a glass of champagne or a solo pilgrimage to take it all in.

I see this in men all the time. They’re 35 or 40, but they’re feeling 25. That youngster is still in them, hungry or thirsty for something. It comes out in different ways. Maybe it’s avoiding settling down. Maybe it’s clinging onto youth. Maybe it’s flicking on an ex’s IG page. Maybe it’s the attitude. Maybe, they haven’t truly appreciated how much they have changed. They’re still a teenager in a suit with an important job. It’s so close, they just need that moment to recognise how far they’ve come, but they don’t take it.

I kept telling myself that age was irrelevant. And we all do now, because Bryan Johnson is telling us we can look 45 when we’re 80. But no amount of collagen and peptides can stop the passing of time. No amount of teeth whitening or hair transplants can revert the spinning of the earth over 30 years. We might be able to slow down the physical signs of aging, but we shouldn’t try to stop the emotional maturing that time on this planet gives us.

I really believe all men would do well to wave goodbye to their twenties well and truly. Whatever that means to you. Say goodbye to who you were in your twenties and all the stuff you’re never going to do again. For me, I said goodbye to getting blackout drunk (I actually did that at 25), and being full of fear and insecurity. What I wanted to say goodbye to as well was freedom. I was ready to welcome in responsibility and purpose - I just didn’t know it. It was only at 33 when I said goodbye to the restless “freedom” of my twenties. I’m ready for something else now, thanks.

I don’t want to see more men trapped in their youth when they’re 40. Looking like Wayne Lineker but feeling sad inside. Being accomplished, successful, and significant on the outside, but feeling insecure on the inside. Becoming a man is about making choices, about letting go, about stepping forth.

By saying goodbye or taking a moment to see who we have become - we can all grow.

We’d all do well to let go of our twenties.

Arguably the biggest news story about men in the last few weeks is Louis Theroux’s new documentary, taking a peek behind the curtain of the manosphere.

There is a very live (and very fair) discussion around just how useful or positive a thing this documentary is - which James covered here last week, so I won’t rehash that one.

Whatever your view on it, I believe there are some positives that have come from it that spell good news for men.

I believe that if we look at this from an unsentimental lens and focus not on the output, but on the reasons the documentary existed in the first place, then we can perhaps feel confident that change is around the corner.

The first step in tackling any challenge or problem is accepting that we have one. That step alone can sometimes take decades. Once we realise we have a problem, it then becomes a question of “do we want to give any energy to solving this thing?”. That step can also take a long time.

The step after? That’s where resolution normally sits (even if it’s messy, convoluted journey to get there).

I think we’re seeing the conversation on masculinity progressing in the direction we need it to. We’re aware we have a problem. We’re starting to give it attention. Now we begin to work on solutions.

Roll back the clock maybe even just a couple of years, and you’d have been laughed out the Netflix boardroom for suggesting they should headline a documentary on “men’s stuff”.

This is a start. Now let’s turn this into some real action.

2/ Free prostate cancer screening programme

Sir Chris Hoy, who has sadly been diagnosed with terminal prostate cancer, has launched a free screening programme for 25,000 men in Scotland. Obviously this story has come off the back of terribly sad news, but I have an untold amount of respect for Chris for using it to try and enact some positive change.

More broadly, many men are leaving things too late before they go to get them checked. Early detection can save lives. A much-needed programme, and we hope to see it broaden out to many other areas of health.

3/ Comedy being trialled as a treatment for mental health issues

Stand-up comedy is being trialled as an alternative treatment for depression, both to relieve pressure on the NHS, as well as giving us a chance to explore other types of treatments.

Of course, a disclaimer needs to go in here that this won’t work for everyone, and for more serious or acute cases, likely isn’t the answer. But it’s fantastic to see this approach being looked at.

This isn’t only for men or about men, but we know that many men are resistant to typical talking therapies, and so this presents another option which might be something they feel more comfortable engaging with.

4/ Attendance at men’s support groups is rising

A survey of 30 men’s wellbeing groups in Wales has found that more than 80% have reported rising attendance. Perfect. We don’t need to say much more to add to this - the good news story here is self-evident!

A snapshot there of some of the biggest stories happening around masculinity in the last few weeks.

What have you seen that we missed?

Let us know in the comments.

George and James x

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So much so it’s taken me two weeks to write something about it, because honestly - there’s not much to say about the documentary itself.

For me, it was a bit of an eye-roll. “Seen it all before mate” Literally seen it all before Louis, I had to spend months blocking and saying “not interested” on Instagram reels to get these idiots off my social media feeds after falling down a manosphere rabbit hole two years ago.

What was most telling for me was watching it with my wife, Sarah, who had never heard or come across any of these online personas before. She was disgusted and angry. Underlying all that, fear too. These men with these views are why many men feel like they can do or say what they want to women. Their worldview is, mostly, that women are subordinate to men, property.

On the other hand, it always shocks me how little women seem to know about the world of men. What men consume on social media, what men think. The gap is so vast. How many women would know the extent of male porn consumption, or what is said in the majority of male WhatsApp groups? I don’t think most women know the half or even quarter of it, to be honest.

My eyes were rolling though because of a few things.

1. I already know who these men are and already know that they are simply opportunists at best, crooks at worst

2. The blanket assumption that these influencers are idiots and everything they say is stupid is just as dangerous as they are. We have to understand why their message has appeal

3. The stories of their followers are much more important than the stories of the few that have carved out an online business selling courses to men

My take is this.

The personalities of the manospehere are uninteresting and tired now. Literally who cares about Andrew Tate and his lookalikes. They are pimps, criminals and caricatures that sell courses. Some version of these people will always exist. They are the head of an ugly spot. We need to go one or two steps deeper and reflect on why their message is compelling and understand the real needs of the young men who are looking up to these people.

On some level, their message is appealing and also true. Work hard, make money, get fit, get laid. There’s nothing inherently bad about speaking to these desires in men. These are primal desires that there is absolutely nothing shameful about. Purpose, growth, connection, significance, belonging, love. It’s how they tell people to achieve this that is the real problem.

The “girlfriend” of the fresh and fit podcast guy. The two followers of Jordan what’s-his-name in Miami. Can we hear more about these people, please? The followers, the worshippers. The women who feel like they have to accept a life with these muppets? The men who are depressed, insecure and vulnerable enough to believe that putting your hand in a diamond shape will get you somewhere? Let’s hear about that, because that is the real problem.

Male loneliness, men’s mental health, the state of the economy, and domestic abuse. All with an undercurrent of self-esteem, self-worth and purpose. A documentary on these topics would be fantastic next please, Louis.

Somehow, when it comes to men, we keep missing the point. We keep reverting to blame. It’s like we want to constantly put a man behind bars and end “toxic masculinity” forever. It’s as stupid as most of HS Tikky Tokky’s views on everything.

It’s so easy to blame. It’s easy for men to blame other men and it’s easy for women to pick a villain and blame him. Trump, Musk, Epstein, Tate - the list can go on and we can keep cycling through them all if want, but we’ll get nowhere.

Do you know what’s harder to do? Take accountability. Take a look into your own life. Get out of the matrix and actually into the real world of your family, your community, your relationship, your friendship group and take a good look at the men directly there.

What you’ll find is a dearth of positive male role models. What you’ll find is a lot of lonely men. What you’ll find is a lot of men struggling with their mental health. What you’ll find is a lot of boys growing up without dads at home. What you’ll actually see is a world that is pretty harsh for a lot of men and when you stare it in the face it’s quite ugly to look at. Because when you stare at it, it’s confusing, because aren’t men supposed to be the patriarchy? Aren’t men the ones who have it great all the time?

When you really look closely at men, beyond the manosphere and into the real world of men. There’s a lot of suffering, a lot of pain, a lot of shame, a lot of hopelessness and a lot of darkness. There are a lot of lost young men without a dad to look up to or a man who’s there for them to show them the way. This is what as a society I am convinced we are avoiding shining a light on.

When we do, then we’ll hit the bullseye.

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These are my observations and experiences, not sacraments. All are optional yet I believe all give us the opportunity for change.

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Much of the narrative pushed to men is on the premise of freedom. Stay single, be financially free, don’t get a mortgage, don’t buy a house. Rent a ferrari, get an expensive watch and six pack instead. Be a lone wolf.

I don’t think I owned anything meaningful until I was in my late twenties. Rented flats that came with cutlery, cheap black t-shirts to spill beer down and an iphone I traded in every couple of years.

It wasn’t until I was about 27/28 when I first bought a plant. I’m not joking, this was the first thing I believe I actually owned.

As you can tell, when I talk about ownership I mean more than the practical exhange of owning something. I owned a phone, laptop and a couple of suitcases full of possessions. Truthfully though, for the first 25 years of my life if I lost everything I owned in a fire - it really wouldn’t have been a big deal for me.

What I’m saying is, I didn’t truly own anything I cared about, or cared for. This freedom was liberating for a time and I don’t regret it. Yet there came a moment that ownership would mean responsibilty and taking on responsibility is an important step for emotional development and maturity.

I believe ownership is a really important passage for men.

Owning something, caring for it and taking responsibility of it. You develop a connection to something, but deeper you develop a connection to that part of yourself that does want to care for, provide and have some responsibility for another.

It could be as small as a plant. It’s a start. This plant has been with me for nearly 10 years. I recall me and Sarah buying it. I’ve watered it, sprayed it, chopped off it’s leaves. A new pot too I think. It was one of the first things I ever bought that had some level of permanence to it. That mattered to me, and still does. I could have stayed stuck in freedom, but I was free to go everywhere and nowhere. Ownership helps you pick a course and stick to it. Ownership gives you purpose and moves you forward.

Then, there’s of course a dog. I don’t have a dog, but how many people do you know who got a dog and it made their life better? Loads. Taking on a dependent who is totally reliant on you can be transformrative.

I really felt the transformative power of ownership when I bought a house. I really didn’t know I needed to cross this threshold in my life, but I did. Having the keys and owning my own home mattered to me on many levels.

• Taking on the responsibility of a mortgage is a commitment and I enjoy this commitment. I actually like that I have taken on the risk of having to pay something back. Without this, I wouldn’t be anchored or grounded.

• Actually owning a property brought out a pride in me. When I rented flats I never really felt the desire to deep clean the bathroom to be honest. Yet when it was my floor, my skirting boards and my toilet - I felt more compelled to.

• Ownership is a version of self-care. I walked into my shed the other day that I tidied last year (but it does need some work) and I thought “you could tell a lot about someone by the state of their shed”. You can tell a lot about someone by the state of their home. Look after your environment and you look after yourself.

As an example to all of this. I love sweeping up outside. We paid £6,000 for that new patio, I won’t see some leaves decay on it and make it green. Or if they do, I’ll get it jetwashed (which I need to after all this rain!). I have never ever swept up outside and not felt better for it. Every single time I look after my house, I feel that in some way I have looked after myself.

Not everyone can or wants to buy a house. But it doesn’t mean you can’t own and care for something. It could be a plant, a car, a dog.

Ownership matters, because responsibility matters.

Can you be a man without responsibilty? Can you be an adult without responsibility? I’m not sure.

A big part of a growth journey as a man is understanding consequences, taking leadership of your own life. If you don’t water a plant, it dies. If you don’t clean the bathroom it looks rank. If you don’t take your dog for a walk they bark too much.

Ownership really matters and I believe taking yourself on a journey to owning something is a genuine rite of passage for men.

House-buying is the biggest and most socially accepted norm and route. Whilst lots of self-development or financial freedom podcasts will tell you not to bother owning your own home, I think they miss the point. Yes you might make more money in the S&P 500 but I believe owning and caring for your own home matters on some fundamentally primitive level. Picking your own wallpaper, keeping your own space clean, tidy and dignified has huge emotional and psychological benefits to your growth as a man.

I don’t care what you own. I don’t care if you own a Ferrari, or a Rolex, or how many bedrooms your house has. I care about men taking ownership for something in their life. Whatever that is.

Ownership is another rite of passage for men.

Let me know what you think in the comments below. Has ownership been a rite of passage for you?

Cheers,
James

It was also one of the most daunting.

Particularly as a man.

The concept of talking…about my feelings…with a stranger? Absolutely no thank you.

When I was really struggling, it was the thing that ultimately helped to pull me out of that funk.

But it took a long, long time for me to get to the point of accepting that I wanted to go.

Somebody suggested it to me as a potential course of action, and I reacted with anger - anger that they’d even think I needed “that” kind of help.

But then the idea was planted, and I stewed on it for another couple of months before coming round to the idea.

Therapy isn’t for everyone, and it’s also not the only tool available to people who are looking to work on themselves.

But if it’s something that you’re thinking about exploring, these are 6 lessons I’ve taken from going through therapy, specifically as a man.

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I know when I was at my lowest, that was certainly at play.

If I were to pie chart what my struggle looked like, there was a lot going on:

• There was the struggle itself

• Then there was the fact I was a bloke, and was shaming myself for struggling in the first place

• And then there was this feeling of being broken, of feeling like I was unfixable and was going to be stuck this way forever

• The final slice of that pie is that I, of course, wasn’t talking about what was going for me - because I told myself that’s not what men do!

You can see why this particular pie wasn’t made up of the healthiest ingredients.

I was convinced this was my lot in life. It’s the main reason I found myself caught up in the throes of suicidal ideation.

And then I learnt about this thing called “neuroplasticity”. A fairly fun-sounding word, it became a linchpin for my recovery. In simple terms, it’s the ability of the brain to change and adapt. It can physically rewire itself and create new neural pathways.

That thought you keep having over and over again? Or that habit you can’t seem to drop? It can change. It’s one of the central tenets of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), which is that you can change your thinking to change your behaviour, and vice versa, to ultimately change how you feel.

Imagine you live near a beach and you go down there every single day. Everyone always walks the same path along the beach to the sea, so much so that the sand has been crushed down and a thick path has been created. What do new people do? They follow the same path.

This is what your thoughts will do; go down the path most trodden. But you can create new paths and walk a different path down that beach. It’ll be a light path at first, but gradually that one will become thicker and thicker and wind will cover the old one. Your brain isn’t a fixed circuit board, it’s more like clay, ready to be moulded. This is what you can do with your thoughts.

Things can change. Your brain can change. Your sense of masculinity can change. Where you are now doesn’t have to be where you are in a year from now, if you don’t want it to be. It’s not always easy, but it is possible.

As research for my book, I spoke with a burnout and stress coach, who also tells me that the other side to neuroplasticity is empowering ourselves with personal agency to change and avoiding getting into what she calls a “victim mindset”. Once we place ourselves into this mindset, we essentially lose all of our agency for change.

She said, “it might be a crap pill to swallow, but it’s also one of the most empowering things we can do, to say ‘I do have accountability and responsibility over this’. Going into a victim mindset is actually an easy thing to do, because you don’t have to do anything about it. You don’t have to find the energy, resources or solutions. The harder option is choosing not to be a victim.”

None of this is to dismiss the severity of things that people go through, and the emotions that come with them. We’re allowed to feel the things that we do, and changing mindsets isn’t as easy as simply flicking a light switch. Life can be hard as hell sometimes, and it’s okay to struggle.

But for many experiences in life, we are presented with a fork in the road, where we can’t choose what happens to us, but we can choose how we respond to it. Katie continued ”The self-fulling prophecy is rooted in science; if you believe you’re a victim and you can’t do anything about it, then you’re telling your brain that’s what you believe. And then your brain will give you back all the information to reinforce that belief. And then that reinforces your actions, habits and behaviours.”

On a more societal level, Katie believes this victim mindset has led to the rise of the manosphere and incels, which is a term used to describe mostly male, heterosexual groups who claim they’re unable to find a sexual partner, and so blame and shame women and girls as a result. Katie said, “while many may be struggling with loneliness or rejection, their mindset can become dangerous and weaponised. And then you have toxic influencers who prey on this mindset, convincing people that you can escape through violence and oppression.”

One of the worst (and best) things about being human is that nothing is set in stone. Healing is rarely ever linear, and we have ups and downs.

But just because you have a particular thought or belief now, doesn’t mean it always has to be so.

A brain that has been taught emotional suppression can unlearn this and relearn emotional expression instead.

Some of these unhelpful societal beliefs which act more like handcuffs than aids can be worked back, and we can change our relationship to our emotions, our bodies, ourselves.

Sometimes all it starts with is curiosity.

A journaling question:

What’s one belief you have about yourself which feels worn into your brain like an old path? What might a new path look like? Try to walk it at least once a day.

Let us know what you thought of this!

George and James x

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How many times have you asked it yourself?

If we’re all being honest, we’ve probably all asked it at least once. Or even if we haven’t vocalised it, we’ve thought about it. Wondered what a “good” number looks like, wondered at what point we’ll get the seal of approval from our mates on having enough “notches on the bedpost”.

It’s one of the greatest sources of anxiety and angst for young men growing up. It’s also one of the prime factors, if not the most important, around which a young man is judged.

The equation is crude and simple.

The more people you sleep with = the more of a man you are.

Of course, other elements get added into the equation. You get more points if your mates deem the other person to be “fit”.

It can add on a whole other dimension to the conversation, where it’s not just about how many people you sleep with, but it’s also about how “fit” they are perceived to be, how regularly you are having sex (god forbid anyone has a “dry patch”!), and how well you’re performing the act too.

How have we got to this place?

This conversation isn’t just about sex, although that’s the perception that many hold, and why men often hold the unfair reputation of “only caring about one thing and one thing only”.

When researching for my book, I interviewed a relationships and dating coach, and he told me that this is much deeper than simply sex. This goes to a core wound that so many men carry - one of not feeling good enough.

This can surface in many ways, but essentially, most men carry a feeling of inadequacy, whether or not that’s explicitly felt.

But why is sex the antidote that so many men fall back on when trying to heal this wound, even if they don’t realise that’s what they’re doing?

Let’s get into it.

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We couldn’t write that in the subject line because apparently it sets all sorts of spam filters into overdrive.

But we want to be explicit about what this post is about - because all too often this is a conversation that stays hidden in the shadows or in banter down the pub. Or gets talked about in half-sentences.

And it means a lot of men are struggling in silence.

We’re going to get into what it is, why it affects men so deeply, and what we can do about it.

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These are simply my observations and experiences, not sacraments. All are optional yet I believe all give us the opportunity for change.

I’m sharing this writing for free. If our writing is meaningful to you, please support our writing for the price of one beer per month (£6.92 is the average price of a Neck Oil in LDN)

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#2: Creative Pursuit

More and more men want to start businesses. Or, start Instagram pages documenting their fitness journey. Or, write a book, or start a blog. I think this is less about the potential financial reward and more about the passage of taking something from an idea to reality. There’s a journey in doing that in which you have to grow as a person. You have to be brave and put yourself out there. You also have to commit to something, you have to learn something. You have to take an act of leadership; saying you’ll do something, and doing it.

I’ve witnessed many young men start nervously sharing their story, writing or putting their ideas out in the world. Some, refrain at the first sight of judgement from friends or family. Others, feel the fear and do it anyway. They follow some intent, intuition or feeling that they simply must pursue this creative inspiration. Those who turn their back on this invitation harbour the frustration of unexpressed potential. Those who answer the call pull on a rope that takes them deeper into open water, and they learn to swim.

I’ve seen it in fitness instagram accounts that go under the radar, only for you to find them because instagram suggests them to you. You then message your mate with a screenshot; “is this you?” I’ve seen it in business ideas that get spoken about in the smoking area after a few beers. I’ve seen many men take their ideas out into the world and grow alongside whatever creative pursuit they’ve chosen. I’ve seen many refuse this opportunity for growth because they lack the conviction, confidence, accountability and support.

Creative pursuits offered me my first opportunities to evolve. I reached for them at an early age. I dropped out of university to start a business at 20. Unfortunately that initial pursuit was hollow and full of ego. Afterwards I felt compelled to write openly about mental health. I followed my gut and did it, despite being afraid. This creative outburst led me down the most transformative period of my life as I ended up starting a business in the mental health space. My initial forays into creative pursuit were sometimes brazen and public (often where I was led by fear), or they were anonymous and secretive (when my heart was really singing). When I did end up writing publicly about my mental health, it was only after years of blogging anonymously under a pseudonym.

Not all creative pursuits need to result in you starting a business that “easily makes you 10k a month” - most of the social media noise on this is just selling you a course. Yet I do believe following a creative pursuit is a brilliant rite of passage for men that anyone can start.

In a way, the beauty of the creative pursuit, much like the physical one - is that there are really no excuses. This opportunity for your growth is there. If you want to write a book, there is very little stopping you. If you want to make videos, or websites, sell things or paint - there is nothing stopping you. You have the tools. If you are honest with yourself, you have the time. You might not have the belief, but you can find that in this pursuit.

Even just starting. Doing something once can be a source of growth and change. Of course, you want to complete it, but even beginning can set the wheels of change in motion. Opening the blank page for the first time. Buying a domain name. Sending a message. It’s new. It’s exciting. It’s growth.

Here is why a creative pursuit can help you grow

• Finding something you are passionate about. Ultimately you’ll want to pursue something you enjoy. Something that you actually want to do and spend time on. Finding this is a great output for your whole life.

• Learning. You’ll likely learn new skills and do something you’ve never done before. I remember the liberation of creating a website for the first time, thinking “what I can actually make what I want?”

• You’ll have to go public. You’ll have to share something somewhere with the world. You’ll face all the feelings that go with this.

• Your mates will take the p*ss. If it’s not your mates, someone will. You’ll find your own troll somewhere in your life and you’ll have to stare their looks of doubt in the eyes and prove them wrong.

• You’ll face the fear of rejection and failure. You can’t create anything without the risk of failure and rejection. Both are a hill to climb and you’ll have to navigate and conquer them both.

• You’ll feel pride. It could be the pride of finishing and being recognised. It could be the curse of pride stopping you from moving on and admitting it hasn’t worked or you’ve had enough. Really, more than anything - you’ll have to face yourself.

I don’t know if the opportunity for a creative pursuit presents itself to everyone. Some men just don’t want want to grow in this way, or in that direction. They’re “just not creative”. I totally disagree, everyone is a creator in their life. But I respect the decision not to go on a creative adventure.

I believe for more and more men a creative pursuit is becoming an option and a path. In a world where creative acts are no longer reserved for the wealthy elite - we can all be creators. Anyone with a microphone and an internet connection can try their hand at being a philosopher. I’d like to see more men take up these opportunities. But importantly, see the creative pursuit not as an end-point, but as a rite of passage itself. Just like the marathon, if you only do it for the medal and the instagram post saying “you did it” - you’ll miss all the learning in the training.

In coming articles I’ll share more about the other rites of passage that I believe are available to us.

Cheers,
James

Next Week: Rites of Passage #3 - Ownership

Specifically, I believe that many men are trapped as “lads” and haven’t had the transformative spaces, in groups or community, to support them to grow into manhood.

We don’t have rites of passage built into our society anymore, and if we do, they have lost their way. The Stag Do being a great example of this.

However, I believe we have the opportunity to design our own rites of passage. Or, design them for our mates. There are many moments in a man’s life that we can go deeper and attach more significant meaning. Whilst this may or may not be given to us, we get to choose.

I’ve noticed 6 possible rites of passage for men. I assume there are more. These are the ones I have seen, and I believe if approached intentionally they can be a time and space of incredible growth for us.

Over the next few weeks I’ll be documenting my experience of them. I’m going to keep all of these articles free, because I believe this is important. However, if you’re in a position to support our writing and want to access our full archive, please consider becoming a paid subscriber.

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Today I want to focus on Physical Pursuit.

Physical Pursuit. Designing your own marathon.

In a world where our father or uncle isn’t going to take us out hunting. A physical pursuit can be a brilliant rite of passage for men. We see this more and more with the popularity of endurance running and events like Hyrox.

The bad thing is, often these events can be check-boxes. Completed “for the likes” on social media. Yet, if you really go inwards and reflect on why you want to complete a physical challenge like this and that link is pure and strong, then I really believe a physical pursuit (ideally supported by a group) can be an incredibly transformative experience.

This is something I wish I’d found earlier. I spent years messing about in gyms trying to get big arms, which was totally pointless. Only in the last few years have I completed running, trail running, multi-day events and pilgrimages that have been truly transformative for my confidence and self-belief.

Last year, I completed the Manx Mountain Marathon. A 33 mile mountain marathon across the Isle of Man. As well as navigating the 13 peaks and 3,000m of elevation on the day, I was navigating grief. I was in the cold, bitter winds of the hills of the Isle of Man and this was the perfect metaphor for my personal experiences at the time. This wasn’t pretty. Being able to come through this physical endevaour and endure it was a huge moment for me in my grief and in my passage towards manhood. I’d become a dad, but I’d lost a baby, and this event was part of my grief and part of my evolution.

Similarly, the year before I hiked around Mont Blanc with a group of mates. All like-minded young men, and a new group I’d not spent a lot of time with. The physical challenge, again, was epic. Yet what was more powerful was the new group of guys I did it with. We went on a journey together, pushed ourselves, supported one another and achieved something together. What I took from this experience mostly was a clear reflection of who I want to be and who I want to be around.

The accessibility of physical pursuits is something really brilliant about modern society. Everything from Tough Mudder to the Camino, London Marathon to the 3 peaks. There are so many physical challenges available to men that we can align ourselves to and use them as a metaphor for our personal growth.

Finding your tribe

Ideally, you have a friendship group or tribe of like-minded lads that can support you in your physical pursuit. But if you don’t, the pursuit itself should, in theory, help you find this tribe. Whether through training, or the event itself - often in pursuit of your goal you’ll find other like-minded men around you who are after the same thing. Your dad didn’t take you out hunting with the tribe, but you found your tribe another way.

With a physical challenge like a marathon, you can take yourself on your own transformational journey. Simply for the price of the race ticket. This is available to all men.

Unless you live in a religious family/community then it is highly unlikely that you have a structured set of rituals for your growth around you.

Let’s create them. I believe we are deeply lacking them and it’s holding us back.

And, if you’re looking for a rite of passage to support your growth. A physical pursuit could be the place to start. If you’ve already ticked this off, stay tuned for more in the coming weeks.

Cheers
James

Next Week: Rites of Passage #2 - Creative Pursuit

I want to use today’s piece to share my mental health story, what happened to me 10 years ago, and the years since, which led to me writing this book.

Here’s me now, taken a couple of days ago 👇 But this version of myself and this image felt a LONG way away 10 years ago.

2015 throwback

The big social media trend at the moment is the 2016 throwback, where people share what they were up to 10 years ago.

For me, 2016 was an unbelievable year, one of the best years of my life. Why?

Because 2015 was undoubtedly the worst year of my life. By 2016 I’d got through it, but the year before I didn’t see any light at the end of the tunnel.

I was deep in the throes of a depressive episode, so anxious I could barely leave the house, and I wasn’t working or seeing my friends. I’d shut myself off from the outside world.

Around me I had a loving family, a great group of mates and a supportive girlfriend. How many of them knew about how I was feeling?

None. Zilch. Nada.

That’s the really tragic part of this story for me. If I put the mental health issues part of it to one side, it’s the masculinity part that really gets to me.

It was so deeply ingrained in me that men don’t talk, and if we do, then we’re weak, that I kept my struggles quiet. I chose silence over support.

It’s a crude equation, but I was essentially willing to trade my own life in order to preserve my masculine pride.

The below is me back then, smiling on the outside, looking “successful” because I’d just graduated, doing the things I was meant to be doing…finding a job, earning money etc etc.

But on the inside I was falling apart.

What did my recovery look like?

Two women intervened in my life.

My girlfriend at the time called me out for abnormal behaviour - I’d become cold, withdrawn, distant.

I thought I’d been doing a good job of keeping my mask up, but clearly my two worlds were colliding. I had no choice but to open up.

A bunch of words poured out, nothing that articulate, but it didn’t matter. I’d started the conversation. She told my mum, and then both of them got me into medical pathways and on the road to recovery.

I had to work on the mental health issues and all that stuff.

But I also had to work on my beliefs about being a man and what masculinity meant to me too.

I had to learn that emotions aren’t a sex-specific thing, they’re a human-specific thing.

I had to learn that talking is normal, not a weakness.

I had to learn that things like compassion and vulnerability are just as powerful as resilience and independence.

I had to learn that leaning on others is the best course of action sometimes.

It was a long and sometimes tough road to recovery.

But it was one that was worth it.

Where am I at now?

I don’t have all the answers and I’m certainly not some sort of complete human being, totally zen, never gets annoyed or makes mistakes.

I’m still figuring out what this whole “being a bloke” thing looks like.

I still have rough patches and periods where it feels like everything is caving in on me.

The point is this time, I approach things a bit differently. I feel more comfortable telling people around me. I approach my emotions with a healthy sense of curiosity, rather than fear and shame. I know that things will get better eventually, no matter how crap it feels at the time.

I know how many men are still struggling with their sense of masculinity, trying to be the man they’re told they have to be, even if it’s not the one they want to be.

That’s why I wrote my book.

To offer a little hope.

A new perspective.

To have the conversations we aren’t having enough on things like porn, addictions, sex, dating, body image, loneliness, and more.

But this book is also a full circle moment for me - the George of 10 years ago dreamed of being in a position like this.

Wherever you’re at on your journey right now, I hope this resonates with you, and I hope you know you’re not alone - there’s a whole community of us in your corner 🤝

If you’re interested in reading more about this subject and fancy grabbing a copy of my book, it would mean the world to me. You can order it here from Amazon or search ‘Be a Man About It’ wherever else you buy your books.

Let me know if you grab a copy - I’d love to say thank you.

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I hope however you celebrated your holiday period was a nice one.

I start the year feeling a mix of emotions about men and masculinity. On the one hand, it’s impossible not to feel some excitement and joy. My book, Be a Man About It, launches on 22nd Jan, something I’ve been working to for over a year, so naturally there is some pride there.

And that pride comes from a place of optimism. I wrote my book because this topic is one that needs more attention, but also because people are more willing to have these conversations.

Roll back the clock even 5 years, would my book be getting any traction? Would we have half as many sign-ups on JACK as we do?

We’re getting to the point where we can talk about “men’s rights” and not only be met with the roll of eyes and a few sighs.

That gives me optimism, and I see more of that coming for 2026. More books being published and more difficult conversations being had. More poor behaviour being called out, but more focusing on the positive stuff too.

Do I think we’ll nail it this year? No. But we’re talking about working back decades, maybe even centuries, of cultural conditioning. This stuff isn’t going to be a quick fix.

But if we can take one step at a time in the right direction, then that feels good.

Sadly though, my optimism and pride is tinged by some usual head shaking and disappointment.

We’re only a couple of weeks into the new year, and I’ve seen stories that have made me question if we’re going to continually take two steps back for every one of those steps forward that we make.

First, I see a story about Grok, X’s in-built AI companion. You can ask it to do a bunch of stuff in the feed and it will comply (e.g Grok, please explain the context a post).

It hasn’t taken long for some of the more depraved people on the internet to use it for seedy purposes. From what I’ve seen, this has involved a lot of men commenting on women’s photos and asking Grok to remove her clothing, and place her in scantily-clad items instead.

Now let’s be clear, this isn’t just men. There are frankly an overwhelming amount of female porn stars doing it to themselves, uploading a photo and then asking Grok to undress them, as well as male porn stars.

But the narrative that is getting shaped around this is what men are doing with the tool. It frustrates me because it gives society at large another stick to beat the collective man with, as it plays into the stereotypes that we’re sexual predators who must be stopped. It’s not all men, but it’s enough men that it gives the rest of us a bad rap.

There’s a lot to unpack here, not least the lack of safety the platforms themselves are building in. But still, not a great way to start the year.

Then I see a discussion on the Diary of a CEO podcast, where a male guest talks about how a large percentage of the male gene pool is dying out, and Steven Bartlett asks if society should be intervening in some way. I think the question was intended innocently - perhaps maybe that is me giving the benefit of the doubt, assuming it came from a place of “what if everyone stops reproducing and the world dies out?”, but that’s not how it’s been received.

Unenviable and fair comparisons have been made to The Handmaid’s Tale, the premise of which is about state-controlled reproduction where women are essentially treated as forced surrogates for a bunch of rich people. It feels dystopian, but conversations like that make people question if it was less dystopian, more reality. The trouble is it took them too long to raise the important perspective of body consent and personal choice.

It’s not a great look, and it’s fuelled the narrative again that men almost don’t deserve to be talking about struggle, when they aren’t able to consider the struggles of other groups.

My LinkedIn feed has been awash with these two stories since I logged back on this year, and it’s made me sad to see the general narrative it can lean into about how much of a problem men are.

Don’t get me wrong, both of these stories aren’t good, and we can’t avoid or excuse problematic conversations like this. My worry is if we keep doing the thing we’ve always been doing where we only focus on the bad in men, and forget to look at the positives too.

I’m holding onto hope for this year though.

I think this year is going to be a good one for men and masculinity.

What do you think?

Have you seen any stories that caught your eye?

P.S I’d be eternally grateful to anyone who picks up a copy of my book - any sales help with early momentum and genuinely mean the world to me. Let me know if you do - I’d love to say thank you :)

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